get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

[kowase]

WHO: Vergil + Gilgamesh, + Libra Network
WHERE: Vergil's apartment
WHEN: Late October
WHAT: Gil tries to videoshame Vergil about cooking, Vergil unoreverse-cards him
WARNINGS: Just general shenanigans


[ we've been here before--gil's normal habit of posting things he finds Incredibly Funny on the network--or if you have the man on instagram, he has a habit of posting up things like that, there, too but.

Today you get a video of Vergil stomping around his kitchen, hair half-unkempt, still wet from a recent shower. Fully dressed though, unlike a shirtless Gilgamesh--but that's normal. The man is allergic to shirts. ]

You no what--no. You are not taking a video of me for your Vine, give me that.

[ before gil can start to make his argument, Vergil is grabbing the phone from the man. Directing the camera at what seems to have the man in a knot--his beautiful prestine kitchen is--fine, but there's a pot of boiling water with spaghetti on it on the counter. But. Oh no. ]

You come into my kitchen, you use my ingredients and my kitchenware and you snap the noodles in half? Where did you even get the jarred sauce-- Sono così stanco di te-- I leave you alone for an hour and you commit CRIMES in my general presence. I

[ he's gonna' push the phone back into gil's hands. giving his own hand a very ... odd, pinched together shake as he moves to try to throw the sauce in the garbage. ]

Stop having small pots, Vittore, what do you want from me? [ Gilgamesh protests with a loud, wild laugh--clearly amused by all these antics, despite everything else. The camera turning towards him as he decides to direct his attention to the network--mimicking Vergil's frantic hand-waving. ]

He said he had an appointment and wasn't even supposed to be here right now. What am I to do, STARVE? He's starving me, everyone.

Breaking noodles that are store-bought is not a crime, they have no rights. Surely, you agree with me.

Comments

action, vergil has not yet escaped the blast zone

[throwmoreswords]

[ he tries not to look too terribly smug as he makes his post, smirking as Vergil continues to storm around the kitchen swearing in a beautiful mixture of languages as Gil once again picks up the spaghetti box, as if he means to take more noodles in hand to commit a second wave of crimes in Vergil's eyeline. ]

I cannot believe you're in a snit about Trader Joe's brand noodles and sauce. Would you rather I order takeout to the house yet again?

just because you bought this fucking house

[kowase]

At least if you ordered from a proper italian restaurant, it would be coming with properly made ingredients and not--sugar paste and cracked-in-half noodles, you absolute fool.

It takes five minutes to throw together a proper sauce.

[ appointment, what appointment, he's putting tomatoes out to broil the skins off-- ]

How have you lived this long without knowing how to cook.

can't kick him out haha

[throwmoreswords]

I'm going to order Olive Garden just to make the vein in your forehead engorge.

[ it is not going to take five minutes to do a proper sauce you are a liar and a charlatan and Gilgamesh is holding the noodles in hand, threateningly, thumb pressed to the midpoint of the noodle stick. ]

I know how to cook, but you have to recall two key factors.

One is that I have more money than I have time.
And two is that I was born in Iraq, you European fusspot.

Video; un: Takamaki

[femmecatale]

[Deep sigh before she turns the camera on]

Didn't anyone warn you to not mess with an Italian in their kitchen? It's one of the biggest sins to commit against them.

But...

Do you want your normal order delivered to Vittorio's place?

video; un: AUO

[throwmoreswords]

But it's so funny, Ms. Takamaki. [ Vergil is banging and talking loudly and sternly in the background, apparently ranting about how simple it is to make a sauce, you heathen while Gilgamesh just looks terribly pleased with himself. ]

Not yet. Apparently the blood of his ancestors has taken up root in his bones and he feels compelled to cook for me.

text: un: darkSlayer

[kowase]

It IS a sin that is being committed. Thank you for recognising it for what it is, Miss Takamaki.

voice; un: noxxed

[sassery]

[…so he’s still working and this is just… Nox really shouldn’t be laughing, he is trying SO HARD not to laugh while he watches this. Jesus christ.

He groans afterwards, knowing full well that he’s gonna hear about this all night in the house.]

Really glad I had the kids after school today. Just saying.

[BOTH OF YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT remind him why he’s related to you again, Vergil.]

voice; un: AUO

[throwmoreswords]

[ big talk for someone who was once a komodo dragon wearing a hat and also thought that that bowl cut was the peak of broody teenage fashion. ]

If we try keenly enough, we may be able to shift the blame for this situation wholly onto you and your absence from the house.

text: un: darkSlayer

[kowase]

Yes, because if you were here and you allowed him to being doing this under my roof, you would be in trouble as well.

Video: UN: hotgoss

[bebest]

Sure doesn't look like he was in an appointment, unless of course, he books appointments with his shower. Which...honestly, yeah, I would not be shocked if he did that, actually. Maybe he just blew you off, Gil. Left you to starve. So cruel, so heartless.

[Zulius is on the mend enough to talk shit about Vergil right where he can hear it, so that's something! (Also to enjoy the man's unkempt fresh from the shower look, but that's by the by).]

Gotta be honest, Verg, this is not instilling me with a whole lot of confidence in how you're gonna cope with teaching me how to cook. My food crimes will be so, sooooo much worse.

video; un: AUO

[throwmoreswords]

[ ooh, Zulius. Gil will do him a solid by switching to video so he can see Vergil being authoritative in the kitchen while Gil's chest occasionally jumpscares the view as he shifts around and moves his phone from hand to hand. ]

His schedule's about as meticulous as mine, and I have a woman specifically hired to manage that monstrosity. I have no idea where and why he finds the time and energy to pull it off. Perhaps from the same place that abandons his friends and leaves them to rot because they don't care about his finicky, arbitrary rules for boxed noodles.

[ nature is healing, Zulius can run his mouth. it warms the cockles of Gilgamesh's pitch black little heart to hear. ]

To be fair, you appear to come from a place of genuine ignorance when it comes to cooking; I, on the other hand, can cook, but do not wish to--or at least, do not wish to in accordance with Vergil's exhausting standards.

text: un: darkSlayer

[kowase]

Your food crimes may be 'worse', but at the very least I will be there to supervise and to stop you before you commit a literal felony while I am present.

[ he's sO MAD ABOUT THE NOODLE THING. ]

text; un: captainkenway, from somewhere on the atlantic ocean

[jackdawvision]

[While chilling in his cabin and checking on the network:]

why wouldn't you snap the noodles in half, the pot's too small anyway

voice; un: AUO

[throwmoreswords]

That's what I'm saying! I have other things to do; who hovers over a pot to make sure the noodle cooks evenly?

[ there is so much distant swearing in a frustrated English-Italian combo happening in the background noise. whatever a cazzo is, Gilgamesh really must be one. ]

text: un; darkslayer

[kowase]

He COULD have looked for a bigger pot--but that is beside the fact! The noodles will soften in moments, allowing for them to boil whole instead of committing a felony in my kitchen for--no damnable reason.

video

[prunedworlds]

"If the pot's too small, you could've just bought a bigger one, right?"

If it were anyone else, she wouldn't bother saying that. But it's Gil, and she knows how Gil operates. Also, who's she to pass up a rare opportunity to tease the King of Heroes?

video; un: AUO

[throwmoreswords]

"I bought him a whole housing complex, and now you expect me to buy him a pot? What am I to you people?"

Tease him and praise him in equal measures and it'll be just fine. Gil looks entirely too pleased about the state Vergil is in to actually be taking offense to what's being said.

video; un: darkSlayer

[kowase]

"That is the thing. I HAVE bigger pots. He simply did not find one appropriately sized. He merely grabbed the one that was hanging over the island instead of going into the cupboards!"

He almost hiSSES this. Because yes--he's used to living alone and using smaller portions--but that didn't mean--ugh!!

UN: ragingbull | Text

[bullzerk]

Sounds like Vittore guy doesn't think you're a real chef.

He's disrespecting you. Basically calling you an impasta.

voice; un: AUO

[throwmoreswords]

That's prepastarous. I can do anything I set my mind to, if I bother to set my mind to it at all. A king is a king in all things.

text: un: darkslayer

[kowase]

15 years I have spent learning English and your
wordplay here makes my eyes feel like they have been bruised.

voice; un: silverrose

[fionnuisce]

I recognize that the British are ever the last with any right to speak on culinary felonies, but I have to side with Vittore on the grounds of not even making your own sauce. The lack of rights held by storebought pasta is true, but a distant secondary or even tertiary concern.

voice: un: darkSlayer

[kowase]

It is sugar.
It is sugar, tomato paste, and vinegar.

It may have once met a herb, but surely not for long enough to make any sort of impression.

The fact that people are willing to eat it, despite making your own sauce with a few tomatoes is nearly effortless is...

[ you can hear him suffering. ]

video; un: thorn

[poisontippedcure]

I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I’m inclined to agree with Gilgamesh.

It’s food, isn’t it? What does it matter whether the noodles are broken or not?

[kowase]

It is food. But unless you are making pastini, which is not the case because he was intent on using a red sauce, breaking the noodles compromises the entire dish.

Spagetti is meant to be twirled on the fork and if the noodles are broken, you cannot do that and you are making a damn mess of yourself.