kaisou | get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

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get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

WHO: Vergil + Gilgamesh, + Libra Network
WHERE: Vergil's apartment
WHEN: Late October
WHAT: Gil tries to videoshame Vergil about cooking, Vergil unoreverse-cards him
WARNINGS: Just general shenanigans

[ we've been here before--gil's normal habit of posting things he finds Incredibly Funny on the network--or if you have the man on instagram, he has a habit of posting up things like that, there, too but.

Today you get a video of Vergil stomping around his kitchen, hair half-unkempt, still wet from a recent shower. Fully dressed though, unlike a shirtless Gilgamesh--but that's normal. The man is allergic to shirts. ]

You no what--no. You are not taking a video of me for your Vine, give me that.

[ before gil can start to make his argument, Vergil is grabbing the phone from the man. Directing the camera at what seems to have the man in a knot--his beautiful prestine kitchen is--fine, but there's a pot of boiling water with spaghetti on it on the counter. But. Oh no. ]

You come into my kitchen, you use my ingredients and my kitchenware and you snap the noodles in half? Where did you even get the jarred sauce-- Sono così stanco di te-- I leave you alone for an hour and you commit CRIMES in my general presence. I

[ he's gonna' push the phone back into gil's hands. giving his own hand a very ... odd, pinched together shake as he moves to try to throw the sauce in the garbage. ]

Stop having small pots, Vittore, what do you want from me? [ Gilgamesh protests with a loud, wild laugh--clearly amused by all these antics, despite everything else. The camera turning towards him as he decides to direct his attention to the network--mimicking Vergil's frantic hand-waving. ]

He said he had an appointment and wasn't even supposed to be here right now. What am I to do, STARVE? He's starving me, everyone.

Breaking noodles that are store-bought is not a crime, they have no rights. Surely, you agree with me.

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"If the pot's too small, you could've just bought a bigger one, right?"

If it were anyone else, she wouldn't bother saying that. But it's Gil, and she knows how Gil operates. Also, who's she to pass up a rare opportunity to tease the King of Heroes?

"I bought him a whole housing complex, and now you expect me to buy him a pot? What am I to you people?"

Tease him and praise him in equal measures and it'll be just fine. Gil looks entirely too pleased about the state Vergil is in to actually be taking offense to what's being said.

"I dunno, the richest guy in town?"

She wouldn't tease so much if he weren't obviously in such a good mood, of course.

"I didn't know you cooked, though."

"That is the thing. I HAVE bigger pots. He simply did not find one appropriately sized. He merely grabbed the one that was hanging over the island instead of going into the cupboards!"

He almost hiSSES this. Because yes--he's used to living alone and using smaller portions--but that didn't mean--ugh!!

"Did he know there was stuff in the cupboards too?"

This is Gil they're talking about, for all Ritsuka knows he might well have just assumed that the visible pots were meant to be all that was available for some reason.

"Likely not. We just moved into this place proper within the last week; it is likely he did not know where to look, or he simply did not."

Because you know. Gil has a madman's schedule and cooking for himself was definitely low on his list of priorities.

"Well, if he didn't know they were there then there wouldn't be a reason to look..."

She's not going to comment on the store-bought sauce though. Given the stuff she's fine with eating, she's really not in a position to judge.

"A small pot can still be used to cook long noodles. They did not need to be broken."

HE WILL NOT BUDGE ON THIS.

"Even when they're too big for the pot though?"

She has very little cooking knowledge, and Chaldea's kitchens are... well-equipped, probably thanks in large part to a certain Archer. She hasn't had the chance to see such techniques in action.

"I mean, at least with ramen the noodles come in a block so that it can fit in a small pot already..."

"Even if so. Small pots can still hold long noodles just fine, one must merely wait the two or so minutes for the ends to soften so the rest can curl comfortably inside."

It's not hard!!! having one half of the noodle soften before the other won't ruin the outright integrity of the whole noodle... it was a quick enough process that it'd be fine!!!!

"He merely does not have patience. He is someone who likes... instant results."

Wait hang on go back to that first part.

"You mean you can just stick them in and after a little while they'll fit anyway??"

She is genuinely surprised at the revelation of this Cooking Hack.

Oh my god.

There's a... clear pause to his voice, like he. Can't believe what he's hearing.

Oh my god?

"....yes."

Like... he can't comprehend that this wasn't-- hold on.

"Have you never tried that before?"

"Well I don't cook very much, and I never tried making spaghetti before so I hadn't really thought about it..."

Most of the few things she does know how to reliably cook are more, well, Japanese style, to say the least. So no, she really had no idea.

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