kaisou | get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

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get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

WHO: Vergil + Gilgamesh, + Libra Network
WHERE: Vergil's apartment
WHEN: Late October
WHAT: Gil tries to videoshame Vergil about cooking, Vergil unoreverse-cards him
WARNINGS: Just general shenanigans

[ we've been here before--gil's normal habit of posting things he finds Incredibly Funny on the network--or if you have the man on instagram, he has a habit of posting up things like that, there, too but.

Today you get a video of Vergil stomping around his kitchen, hair half-unkempt, still wet from a recent shower. Fully dressed though, unlike a shirtless Gilgamesh--but that's normal. The man is allergic to shirts. ]

You no what--no. You are not taking a video of me for your Vine, give me that.

[ before gil can start to make his argument, Vergil is grabbing the phone from the man. Directing the camera at what seems to have the man in a knot--his beautiful prestine kitchen is--fine, but there's a pot of boiling water with spaghetti on it on the counter. But. Oh no. ]

You come into my kitchen, you use my ingredients and my kitchenware and you snap the noodles in half? Where did you even get the jarred sauce-- Sono così stanco di te-- I leave you alone for an hour and you commit CRIMES in my general presence. I

[ he's gonna' push the phone back into gil's hands. giving his own hand a very ... odd, pinched together shake as he moves to try to throw the sauce in the garbage. ]

Stop having small pots, Vittore, what do you want from me? [ Gilgamesh protests with a loud, wild laugh--clearly amused by all these antics, despite everything else. The camera turning towards him as he decides to direct his attention to the network--mimicking Vergil's frantic hand-waving. ]

He said he had an appointment and wasn't even supposed to be here right now. What am I to do, STARVE? He's starving me, everyone.

Breaking noodles that are store-bought is not a crime, they have no rights. Surely, you agree with me.

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Sure doesn't look like he was in an appointment, unless of course, he books appointments with his shower. Which...honestly, yeah, I would not be shocked if he did that, actually. Maybe he just blew you off, Gil. Left you to starve. So cruel, so heartless.

[Zulius is on the mend enough to talk shit about Vergil right where he can hear it, so that's something! (Also to enjoy the man's unkempt fresh from the shower look, but that's by the by).]

Gotta be honest, Verg, this is not instilling me with a whole lot of confidence in how you're gonna cope with teaching me how to cook. My food crimes will be so, sooooo much worse.

[ ooh, Zulius. Gil will do him a solid by switching to video so he can see Vergil being authoritative in the kitchen while Gil's chest occasionally jumpscares the view as he shifts around and moves his phone from hand to hand. ]

His schedule's about as meticulous as mine, and I have a woman specifically hired to manage that monstrosity. I have no idea where and why he finds the time and energy to pull it off. Perhaps from the same place that abandons his friends and leaves them to rot because they don't care about his finicky, arbitrary rules for boxed noodles.

[ nature is healing, Zulius can run his mouth. it warms the cockles of Gilgamesh's pitch black little heart to hear. ]

To be fair, you appear to come from a place of genuine ignorance when it comes to cooking; I, on the other hand, can cook, but do not wish to--or at least, do not wish to in accordance with Vergil's exhausting standards.

[Gil is a gentleman and a scholar for doing this. He doesn't even mind the chest jumpscares. He might be pretty smitten with the angry, gesticulating Italian in the background, but he's still got eyes. He can appreciate a good view!! ]

Maybe that is how he does it. He has two things pencilled in for this hour, one of them is an appointment and the other is ensuring that you waste away to nothing. Honestly if this is how he treats his bestie, I'd hate to see how he treats his enemies. He should be glad how much you put up with.

[Nature is healing!!!]

Ohhhh yeah, I can't cook, like at all. Something I apparently have to fix. [Not that he's complaining, of course, he'd like the Vergil company even if it probably means watching the poor man trying not to have a breakdown while he burns soup. ] I seeeeee! So this is more like, a totally not subtle rebellion thing? Is that why you bought the tomato sauce? He seems SUPER mad about the sauce thing.

Your food crimes may be 'worse', but at the very least I will be there to supervise and to stop you before you commit a literal felony while I am present.

[ he's sO MAD ABOUT THE NOODLE THING. ]

Verg. Honey. Babe. I don't think breaking noodles is a literal felony.

...

Actually, you know what, it might be in Italy, but it isn't here. You can't send people to prison for crimes against noodles here. Land of the Free means people are free to break noodles.

[Don't be so mad about the noodle thing!!!]

So, at the risk of starting you all the way off...what's the difference between the sauce in the jar and the homemade stuff? A tomato is a tomato, right?

[He knows this will ABSOLUTELY start him off. He's taking a bullet for you, Gil. You owe him at least one decent bottle of wine for this. ]

It should be a literal felony. It is a food crime that is up there with putting strawberries on pizza, and putting ranch dressing on a capreese salad.

The difference between a home-made sauce and a jarred sauce is preservatives, as well as sugar and far, far too much salt to keep its 'shelf life'. Not to mention the processed nature of these sauces cause the sauce to lose much of its flavor--spices and herbs are often lost in the process.

As is much of the nutritional value.
It may taste fine but it is essentially the same as drowning your pasta in ketchup and mustard.

...And the reason why breaking noodles is a crime is related, as well. In Italy, eating long-form pasta is done by twirling a fork into it, using a spoon. If the noodles are broken, you are not able to get the proper quantity--nor do they properly soak up the sauce due to being cracked in half. You end up with a wet mess on your plate, and pathetic noodles.

[ he's gesturing and hissing the whole time while violently smacking garlic on his counter. ]

[Zulius knew this would happen. He absolutely knew this would happen and he has no regrets for making it be so. He's just gonna put his chin in his hand, grinning as he watches Vergil get more angry, more Italian with every passing moment. This is a treat and he's having a great time right now. He's had a rancid month, he deserves a little fun!]

Wow, so you're telling me- Verg, are you telling me that the tomato sauce companies are lying to me? Because they for sure have pictures of like...herbs on the can. I've seen them. Hang on!!

hotgoss has attached an image:

See? There's like LEAVES there. That's a herb, right? Are you saying they have LIED to us and they're not really in there? That's like, the worst.

[HE'S the worst. He's watching Vergil beating the ever-loving shit out of that garlic and he's just actively choosing to make this worse. ]

A lot of people would aspire to have a wet mess to deal with, Handsome. But okay, duly noted. No snapping or you get pathetic noodles. Still don't get how that works, but I trust you so I'm gonna believe you. Though maybe Gil wants pathetic noodles. Maybe he wants to loom over them and feel superior. On account of them being pathetic. Did you think of that?

Edited 2023-10-28 01:18 (UTC)

[ zulius has absolutely had a rancid month but now vergil is having a rancid day and this response is

oh he has to put his phone down
and then pick it up again
and then put it down as he feels too many words in a language zulius does not understand crowding his brain and--

Finally, he does respond--having

completely
forgotten

he had Zulius on video call.

He turns the phone face-down on the counter.

And goes about cooking. ]

Edited 2023-10-29 22:43 (UTC)

--Of all things he needs to feel superior over, NOODLES does not NEED to be one of them.

[ this response comes after he's flipped the camera around. ]

[Oh my god?????

This is WORSE???? Than being left on READ??? He waits for a few moments to see if Vergil is actually going to acknowledge that he's still fucking THERE???? BITCH????? before walking away to get something.

He comes back moments later and Vergil will just be treated to mournful harmonica music coming from the other end of it.

You left him real low low low, Babe. Unfair. Undeserved. Unloved

:(]

[ gilgamesh's laughter has been, frankly, nigh on rabid as he's been playing with his phone and watching Vergil devolve into this hellish cooking whirlwind with the little zebra shaped devils on his shoulders (for there are no angels in this house), but there's a certain strained cadence to his voice when Zulius goes full prison blues about it ]

It appears that Zulius has enlisted the world's saddest one of those wailing snowdogs to catch your attention, Vittore. You've driven him to the brink. Beyond the brink, one might argue. Are you trying to see him to an early grave, you monster?

[ there's the sound of a pasta noodle beginning to crack under pressure, Gilgamesh's contribution to the mourning chorus ]

[Harmonica sound increases. ]

[ he really did just put zulius on read without even thinking about it. Because he was so stressed about the microaggression with the pasta sauce that he just. forgot. he was on voice call. okay.

and now he's being serenaded at with--is that a kazoo?? vergil, for the moment, looks mortified when he realises that the sound isn't some weird music or a ring-tone. But.

He's gonna stare at gil. Then flip over his phone to the image of a very distraught Zulius playing... a.... ? A? ]

...Where did you get a mouth piano, will you--stop being dramatic. I did not try to send anyone to an early grave, I--
Was.

I am trying to cook here! And Fight against the evils of terrible jarred sauces!
I am the one on the brink of death, it is ME who will be put into a grave!

[He did this TERRIBLE THING and now this is his PUNISHMENT for it. Zulius does pause in his playing for a second to blink in confusion at Vergil, brow furrowed.]

Mouth... piano? [He holds it up to the screen.] It's a harMONicA. And I've had it, like, forever? I've been playing since I was like, ten. Wow.

[One of his first little rebellions against his parents. Learning to play something that definitely wasn't considered a cool trick to trot out in front of various stars and starlets at their gaudy parties. ]

I'm not gonna stop being dramatic until you apologise for putting the camera down on me. LIke, wow? The RUDEness. But okay, here we are mourning your horrors over the terrible jarred sauces. How you have suffered this day.

[Naturally, he's gonna lean back in his chair and start playing Taps. Obviously. Beause this is so sad. Poor Vergil.]

[ he's a collector of old military items do you think he doesn't know what taps is!? He's absolutely suffering here are you kidding. He waves his hand almost dismissively as he's corrected on his naming of the item. ]

Harmonica. Mouth Piano. Same thing. Lound instrument made to serenade my suffering.

[ but oh my god. okay, fine. He moves to flip the camera more toward himself, giving a small, exasperated look and a sigh. ]

I apologise for thoughtlessly putting my phone down on you while having a moment in my own head due to the pain I have been inflicted today by two of my dearest companions.

Is that satisfactory.

[This is what he gets. This is exactly what he gets for turning the camera away while his beautiful face was on it!!!!]

Are you saying that you don't like my musical skill? Verg are you saying that?

[Zulius flashes him a grin.]

See~ Was that so hard? And okay, I'm sorry I have injured your delicate Italian sensibilities with my picture of Prego. I'll remember what a horrible trigger it is for you and never do it again.

[He will absolutely do it again. ]

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