kaisou | get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

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get the fuck out of my kitchen stronzo

WHO: Vergil + Gilgamesh, + Libra Network
WHERE: Vergil's apartment
WHEN: Late October
WHAT: Gil tries to videoshame Vergil about cooking, Vergil unoreverse-cards him
WARNINGS: Just general shenanigans

[ we've been here before--gil's normal habit of posting things he finds Incredibly Funny on the network--or if you have the man on instagram, he has a habit of posting up things like that, there, too but.

Today you get a video of Vergil stomping around his kitchen, hair half-unkempt, still wet from a recent shower. Fully dressed though, unlike a shirtless Gilgamesh--but that's normal. The man is allergic to shirts. ]

You no what--no. You are not taking a video of me for your Vine, give me that.

[ before gil can start to make his argument, Vergil is grabbing the phone from the man. Directing the camera at what seems to have the man in a knot--his beautiful prestine kitchen is--fine, but there's a pot of boiling water with spaghetti on it on the counter. But. Oh no. ]

You come into my kitchen, you use my ingredients and my kitchenware and you snap the noodles in half? Where did you even get the jarred sauce-- Sono così stanco di te-- I leave you alone for an hour and you commit CRIMES in my general presence. I

[ he's gonna' push the phone back into gil's hands. giving his own hand a very ... odd, pinched together shake as he moves to try to throw the sauce in the garbage. ]

Stop having small pots, Vittore, what do you want from me? [ Gilgamesh protests with a loud, wild laugh--clearly amused by all these antics, despite everything else. The camera turning towards him as he decides to direct his attention to the network--mimicking Vergil's frantic hand-waving. ]

He said he had an appointment and wasn't even supposed to be here right now. What am I to do, STARVE? He's starving me, everyone.

Breaking noodles that are store-bought is not a crime, they have no rights. Surely, you agree with me.

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It is sugar.
It is sugar, tomato paste, and vinegar.

It may have once met a herb, but surely not for long enough to make any sort of impression.

The fact that people are willing to eat it, despite making your own sauce with a few tomatoes is nearly effortless is...

[ you can hear him suffering. ]

I can understand not wanting to go to the effort of making one's own pasta, in most circumstances. Tomato sauce has next to no excuse.

Oh, the very same. I do not make my own noodles on the best of days--who has the time for such.

However, the time taken to boil and then cool the noodles is similar to the time spent of properly making a sauce. Many may complain that 'who has fresh tomatoes on hand at all times--' Me.

Fresh tomatoes do not cost an exorbitant price.
Some jarred sauce is more expensive.

Honestly. The absurdly rich of capital and poor of sense have no concept of effort. And any idiot can learn the basics of cooking, I certainly managed it.

You would strike me as a man too busy to cook his own meals, much like Gilgamesh himself. And yet.

Here I stand. Impressed with you.

How do I teach a king.

Me? God, no. I wasn't born into nobility like some people, and I spent a couple years living with three people who didn't know how to cook. Either I figured it out or starved to death. Or worse, survived off my mercenary friend's rations.

[yikes]

As to how to teach someone with no necessity to learn, that's a lot trickier.

I suppose that would make the difference. Necessity over being able to... preform that necessity for you.
I admit I only learned once I escaped the prison that was my family home.

[ also uh. yeah. yikes. what the fuck. ]

You have certainly been through a lot, by those comments alone. Military Rations are not pleasant.

I admit I started learning the barest necessities when I moved out at sixteen myself. Actually trying came later when I was living with those three. Maiya tried to convince me that godforsaken thing was edible and I turned around to find a cookbook five minutes later.

[he's british, but he has standards]

This 'Maiya' is a madwoman and she either was trying hard to convince herself as well as you--or she has never eaten a proper meal in her life.

Out of gentle curiosity I have eaten an MRE merely once in my life, and it is not an experience I will ever find myself repeating.

Well, she's a mercenary, so probably closer to the second option. Once I learned to make a decent cake, that rather solved several problems on all fronts--not the least of which was 'I would gladly starve to death first if that was my only other option'. England may not be renowned for our culinary prowess, but I at least claim a sense of taste.

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