kaisou | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

WHO: Ritsuka, Waver, and Diarmuid
WHERE: probably Waver and Dia's place
WHEN: early December
WHAT: Talking about some pre-Kaisou traumas
WARNINGS: a LOT of talk about death, destruction, and morally questionable deeds of various forms; basically the Fate/s being depressing as heck

To say that the past few months had been stressful for Ritsuka would be putting it incredibly mildly. And while she'd done her best to try to work through it, in no small part due to Waver's urging, there was still a lingering something that kept eating at her. Which wasn't to say all the other pain and grief was gone, of course, but that at least she'd mostly been able to more or less identify and address to some degree or another. No, this was different, and she only gradually began to realize what it might be.

At which point she recalled Diarmuid's offer to listen, if she had something she wanted to talk about. And not to mention, after all he'd done to help her, perhaps this was something Waver ought to hear as well. So after a few days of internal debate and generally putting things off, Ritsuka finally reached out to set up a time to meet, and now here she was.

... Now she just needed to figure out where to even begin.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"If I were to guess, the other Lords would have been caught up in damage control from Animusphere's mess specifically. I can practically feel my other self's headache from here." Prioritizing the larger picture over the small details, and perhaps it was to Ritsuka's benefit that she was unremarkable from a magical standpoint. No one would ever even believe she was capable of doing a hundred different things that might have earned someone a Sealing Designation, so avoiding one would be as simple as lying on paperwork. As for the rest, they sounded more on the scale of what the Clock Tower would want to keep within range rather than expel; not the worst fate to have, considering everything.

...It was difficult to disengage his line of thought from the Association and how they would have reacted, but that was not out of a lack of concern. To the contrary, it was due to an abundance of it. Waver had spent a decade drawing ire and admiration in equal measure from exactly the same people who could have blamed Chaldea for everything, and so he knew exactly what kind of danger was involved.

"Are...you okay? Not necessarily in general, I mean right now, telling us this. This is...a lot, Ritsuka."

Diarmuid had no direct involvement with the Association. In his mind they were just a danger to a friend. That's all they were in his eyes and he would give everything to protect his friends from that. Ritsuka was a young lady, far too young to have gone through all she did. He even thought this of Waver when they'd first met though he would dare not admit this back then.

There was a pain in that familiarity. A stinging in that fondness she uttered Romani's names with. The air here combined with the one she had last month when they spoke gave the feeling that she had never gotten the chance to rest, to think about everything.

I think right now it really is more important to focus on what's going on, though.

How many times had that been true, he wondered? Had it been 'more important to focus on right now'?

"If you need a moment to stop, you can take it. Whatever you need, let this be the space for it." Said moving to refill her tea, wordlessly offering first. "I told you that I would never see you as a bother. It rings true for us both." He gave Waver a glance and a nod. Diarmuid knew he'd agree.

"I'm--I think so, yes."

Still, she did take a moment to consider what to say next.

"Just talking about Chaldea isn't... Maybe there was a lot that happened that year I guess, but talking about that stuff isn't that bad. It wasn't like the whole world as in danger anymore then, so things were almost... normal, I guess?"

Or maybe what came after was so much worse that it had thoroughly desensitized her to any of the troubles during that brief period between disasters.

Waver opened his mouth to answer, then seemed to think better of it. Or, more likely, he was struggling to find the right wording.

"I think that when you've been in danger so consistently, when it ends in a way that's so painful and chaotic, that...sometimes the immediate aftermath can feel worse. Empty, in a way--when one's still deep in crisis mode with nowhere for that energy to go, they just spin their wheels aimlessly and put more stress on themselves."

Those early days back in the Einzbern castle had been awkward for all involved, but even besides that the shroud of heavy losses hung like a miasma in the cold winter air throughout.

"Did you...ever have a chance to stop and breathe? To actually process...any of that?" Of losing a friend, he didn't say, but the implication was obvious.

Like two different daggers through Diarmuid's heart, knowing Waver spoke from experience and that Ritsuka probably spend so, so long in that same crisis mode. Even Diarmuid struggled to let his guard down when the dogged pursuit seemed to end, though he'd never dwell on that fact any further than necessary.

Even a split second on it made his fist tighten by his side, away from either Master's sight. He and Waver were on the same wavelength, though. Wanting to ask the same questions.

"Have you had any time to let your heart heal?"

Ritsuka almost didn't want to answer that, not really. It would mean a kind of self-reflection, of dwelling on that pain, that she'd always avoided, for one reason or another. But that was the entire reason she was here, wasn't it? Because this wasn't Chaldea, and for everything going on here in the city of Kaisou, it still wasn't the end of the world. Here, as Waver had so bluntly told her, there was time between disasters to actually recover.

And here, she wasn't Chaldea's lone Master, the one person who couldn't afford to ever break or even hesitate under any circumstance.

"Not at Chaldea." She spoke that admission quietly, her gaze focused down on the teacup in her hands. "And... I don't know if I ever really will, there."

"Of course not." There was no judgment or condemnation in those words, but a tired and resigned understanding as Waver picked up his own teacup. "For people like us, there never is. It's one thing after another after another, walking an endless battlefield with countless pieces left behind that could never be picked up."

He took a drink and set the teacup down again, sighing quietly.

"...It's not fair. Not to you or anyone else. And I'm sorry that you weren't given the time to let that pain settle in and scar over. You've been running across that battlefield bleeding out this entire time, and it's cruel to you that it sounds like there was no other choice."

Edited (accidentally a word) 2023-12-02 22:29 (UTC)

No, she wouldn't be. Neither of these two would be. He'd say nothing of himself, having at least in part devoted himself to a knight's path. A war's path. These two are just... they're regular people, regular humans caught in a hellish string of chaos. They're both who a knight like him swore to protect.

As ever, Diarmuid spoke with that conviction though the subtle and relative quiet nature of his tone made clear that he felt so deeply for this girl.

"You've been dealt a cruel hand, Ritsuka. Seen tragedy and found yourself so lost within it that it is easiest to set your pain aside. But you came to us despite that, freed yourself enough to seek out your friends to listen and help carry the weight in your heart. That took courage to do."

Few things were as frightening as admitting one's pain. You could face an unkillable menace and not flinch but to acknowledge when help was needed was something the greatest knights struggled with.

"I--"

She didn't know what to say to that, and those reassurances, the genuine sympathy and not just detached pity, struck a chord with her. Even when surrounded by people she cared about and who she knew cared about her, she'd still somehow always felt alone, apart. That she couldn't allow herself to expose her fears and pain, lest it demoralize the others and undermine all they'd all worked towards.

It was enough, even, for something inside her to break loose, a little, from the steely self-control that had so long bound it.

"It's... it's not that hard, to fight. Not really." She spoke a little slower and haltingly, though gradually picked up the pace a little as she continued. "When it's just--it was always that if we fought there's a chance we could die, but maybe not. But not fighting at all, not doing anything, then for sure we'd die, sooner or later. So it's really not hard to think about, because any chance, even a tiny one, is better than nothing, it's better than just giving up."

Never mind that many people, perhaps even most people, might not have that fortitude anyway. Ritsuka had never thought about that anyway, just her own motivations, her own drive to live no matter the personal cost.

"So that's... I don't know about fair or not, but I never thought it was that hard. Not choosing to keep on fighting.

"But... What if someday that isn't the case? What if--"

--like with Solomon and Goetia--

"--What if to win you might have to die anyway?"

Waver swallowed hard against something caught in his throat, glancing for just a second to Diarmuid; without word or thought communicating I'll go first, back me up.

"It's 'not hard' because to make the choice to fight or die itself is an easy one. It is far more difficult for humans to give up than the alternative; that's just how we are. But fighting in itself, living every day knowing something might kill you, that wears on a person in ways they may not even realize until it becomes harder and harder to take another step on the path they've chosen. But as to your question..."

Crossing his weaker right leg over his left, interlacing his hands neatly on the table, he took a careful breath and began speaking.

"...If it's alright, I'd like to speak from personal experience for a minute."

What if to win you might have to die anyway?

"My plans for the Fifth War have been myriad and accounting for many variables. But very few of them have accounted for my survival. In fact, most of my work in the past decade has hinged on the idea that I would die taking the Holy Grail down with me."

It had not been an unreasonable assumption, in his own opinion--it still wasn't.

"So I shouldered everything alone to spare Irisviel and the others the worst of it, and before I got here that methodology very nearly did kill me."

That foolishness, an old grudge, and another grudge older still. Pointedly, he stared only at Ritsuka and did not look to Diarmuid as he spoke.

"...I'm only alive today because someone was watching out for me, despite how much I tried to keep her out of it. And I'm not saying I'll definitely stay that way, or that an ultimate victory will come without bloodshed or loss. What I'm saying is that you aren't alone. You have friends, Servants, allies, so let yourself rely on them. What happens from there is their choice as well as your own; but it's much more likely you might all get out alive if you're bearing all of this together."

A single glance met with the same. He understood without any words or even a nod, he just allowed Waver to speak. Fighting to survive was not living. Walking on a thin foundation where the promise of tomorrow was not guaranteed made the solid earth beneath one's feet crack with every step, in every waking moment.

It's a way to keep breathing, not to be alive.

... It would be a lie to say Waver speaking of his personal experience to Ritsuka, pointedly to Ritsuka didn't make irritation crop up in Diarmuid's heart. The same anger that surfaced when Waver first told him of his confrontation with Sola-Ui that he foolishly went at alone. Nearly losing his life though it was low on his priority list to begin with. His jaw clenched a little, but his attention still stayed primarily with Ritsuka save for a passing glance.

"No one can bear the what you have alone. The burden is your circumstances, not you. And the hands of your friends will always be there to take when the weight becomes so heavy you feel close to collapsing.

You wouldn't expect your friends to enter the fray alone and injured. You would come to their aid no matter what, I know you would. No one knows what the future holds," A longer but temporary glance at Waver.

"And to dwell on the hypothetical for too long would only lead to madness. Count on the fact that you are not alone. And so long as either of us are here, you never will be. Have the courage to reach out and trust in your loved ones. They will be with you no matter the result."

A short pause.

"... And allow me to make this promise to you as I've done for others. I promise you, on all the honor of the Fianna. I will not die. Never again. I will support you as your friend. We will survive."

Could he guarantee that? No. It didn't matter to him. He would make it true. He would make that promise a reality. He promised Rose, he promised Waver, and he promised Ritsuka. Diarmuid ua Duibhne would never go back on his oath.

"I--I know that. That I can't do things by myself." She appreciated their words, far more than she could say, but there was simply so much here, and now that she'd started talking it was oddly hard to stop. "I mean, it's not like there's anything much I can do on my own anyway..."

There was an unambiguous edge of bitterness in that statement, one that normally was absent. No matter how harsh she was on herself when speaking to others, she usually always took care to keep such ugly feelings to herself. Now, though, everything just seemed to be spilling out anyway.

"And I don't mean-- I--"

She hesitated, grasping for words.

"I can't afford to let everyone down either, though. If we're all fighting together, that means everyone does there best, that means me, too. I can't... I can't hesitate just because I'm weak and afraid."

She was, perhaps, still circling around the actual issue at heart here. The specific things she's so afraid of.

"Ritsuka-..."

Trailing off, for a moment Waver stared at the girl in front of him like he was seeing a faded reflection more than anything.That bitterness cut like a knife and rang like an echo--there's nothing I can do, I'm nothing, I'm weak, I'm a coward, for how many years had he understood that sentiment too well?

'If I die in this war, then...fine. Living and dying like something worthless is probably what I deserve, but I never wanted to drag anyone else down with me.'

His own voice from years past came to mind suddenly, and something uncomfortable clicked into place.

"Is it that...you think you aren't enough? You're afraid of failure that might lead to losing someone else, because you see yourself as less capable than those around you?"

"..."

Waver would pin that immediately, wouldn't he? Such intense feelings of inadequacy. Feelings that still lingered for him to this day, every compliment and thanks deflected as being necessary to do or with an 'it was nothing special'.

He didn't say anything yet, opting to let Ritsuka speak for herself despite it all.

"... I don't know."

Even after saying all that, her feelings were, to put it bluntly, a bit of a mess. While she'd always had some awareness of them, she'd simply never had the time to devote to analyzing, to thinking these things through.

"Maybe... Maybe since I always rely on everyone else, I'm afraid I won't do the right thing when there's something that I can do. That I have to do."

There was a pause a she continued to mull it over, before a particular example came to mind.

"There's a weapon that Sion and Da Vinci built, for when we had to fight actual gods. Firing it requires a command spell, but it's more than that. Da Vinci told me it also required my magical energy, my stamina, and even my fate. So of course I knew it'd be dangerous to use, but that's still less dangerous than not using it.

"Except... I don't know if the strain from using it is just temporary or not. If it's just a chance it'd be more than I can handle, or if eventually, since we're had to use it a few times, eventually maybe firing it again would just kill me no matter what. I know Da Vinci would probably tell me if I asked, but... I'm too afraid to know.

"I'm afraid that if it's the worse one, then if we have to use it again, I wouldn't be able to make myself do it, or would just hesitate when there's no time to spare."

And, being the only available Master for so long, had naturally made her the only person capable of firing the weapon in the first place. One of the few things so firmly within the realm of what she 'could' do.

Waver cursed under his breath before he could stop himself, this time completely unable to keep a look of open shock off of his face. Even if it was to take down gods, what kind of conceptual weaponry bullshit was that?

"That's-..."

Miles beyond the simple crisis of faith he'd assumed, that much was for certain. Of course she'd hesitate--anyone would, becuase that was patently insane.

"... That's insane."

One of them had to say it outright. Leave it to the hypocrite. As much shock as there was in his tone, there was also anger thinly veiled behind his words. Yes, it was true that a knight lived to serve, protect, perhaps even die for others.

But they expected this out of Ritsuka? They thought of no other option than to use this girl's entire life force even with dozens upon dozens of Servants under their belt?

To say that wasn't a reaction Ritsuka had been expecting would be putting it mildly.

"... I guess? But we didn't really have a lot to work with. Or time."

It was entirely possible that her perspective on these things was incredibly skewed. Which might go a long way toward explaining why she had the issues she did, really.

"Of course you'd hesitate." Waver threw diplomacy to the wind briefly and elected to speak his mind outright. "Nobody should have something like that on their shoulders, especially not one person alone. Fuck, I'd be terrified to use a weapon like that if that was the ammunition."

Considering Diarmuid was the one to do so first. And with concealed but well known fury to boot. It was only a matter of time before it became all emotionally charged.

"Even with limited time to plan... for anyone to expect you to lack reservations on using this weapon is complete lunacy. Anyone would have them."

It was possible the true gravity of this only began to sink in since Diarmuid was forced to see the value in his own life. He'd always prioritized others over himself, but now...

"..."

Ritsuka had really never even thought of it like that. Not about what the others expected of her. Because...

"That's no different from what I'd expect from myself, though."

And she hadn't hesitated, at the time. Nor the second, or third, or even fourth times.

She was just afraid of hesitating should what was currently 'a risk of dying' ever become 'a certainty of dying'. Because that was what terrified her the most.

"Ritsuka-"

Deep breath. Waver pinched the bridge of his nose, quickly collecting himself.

"Setting aside for the moment the absolute madness I find a weapon like that to be, allow me to address the point. It is not, under any circumstances, weakness to hesitate when faced with the very real possibility of death. Even mages far more powerful than either of us are afraid to die. I'd say damn near everyone is, at least in the moment where it becomes a reality right in front of them."

Right... the point was nearly lost to Diarmuid as well. Leave it to his Master to set them back on track. It was here Diarmuid began to see the sheer level of hypocrisy in his words. Mere months ago he would have turned to something like this in a heartbeat if he were in Ritsuka's shoes.

... Maybe he still would. He definitely still would if it meant keeping his loved ones safe.

"... Waver is right. It's not weakness to see the value in your own life and fear for it as the risk stares you down. To want to live."

Ritsuka was quiet for a moment. Perhaps their points had gotten through and she was considering them. Or perhaps she was stubbornly trying to think of an argument. It was a little hard to tell, as she continued to stare at the cooling tea.

"... Even if it means putting others at risk?"

Her friends. Her allies. Humanity itself. There was so, so much riding on her battles, the fear of messing up was probably the only thing that could rival the fear of her own death.

"Especially then. Because in that situation you have the fear of death and the weight of all that responsibility bearing down on you all at once, overwhelming and terrifying you both at once. Part of you screaming 'I don't want to die', and the rest shouting back 'if you don't, someone else will'. That's an impossible choice to make, and knowing it has to be made sometimes is enough to drive someone insane on the spot."

In that respect, there weren't many better people she could have come to than the pair before her.

"Nobody could ever handle that, and in a perfect world no one would be asked to."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

are y'all ready to cry yet

thisisfine.jpg

i been crying idk about you

well grab more tissues 'cause we ain't done yet :D

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

https://images.plurk.com/3QOx6vRHWFPCxCdWw6xdla.png open it just trust me.

no subject

sometimes your brain breaks

pretend roman's not in the edit i'm just lazy.....

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject