kaisou | (no subject)

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WHO: Ritsuka, Waver, and Diarmuid
WHERE: probably Waver and Dia's place
WHEN: early December
WHAT: Talking about some pre-Kaisou traumas
WARNINGS: a LOT of talk about death, destruction, and morally questionable deeds of various forms; basically the Fate/s being depressing as heck

To say that the past few months had been stressful for Ritsuka would be putting it incredibly mildly. And while she'd done her best to try to work through it, in no small part due to Waver's urging, there was still a lingering something that kept eating at her. Which wasn't to say all the other pain and grief was gone, of course, but that at least she'd mostly been able to more or less identify and address to some degree or another. No, this was different, and she only gradually began to realize what it might be.

At which point she recalled Diarmuid's offer to listen, if she had something she wanted to talk about. And not to mention, after all he'd done to help her, perhaps this was something Waver ought to hear as well. So after a few days of internal debate and generally putting things off, Ritsuka finally reached out to set up a time to meet, and now here she was.

... Now she just needed to figure out where to even begin.

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They'd moved apartments since the last time Ritsuka was over for a Talk(tm), though not particularly far. This one was perhaps understandably a little larger, with two catlike Pokemon that skittered uneasily into a bedroom while their trainer was in the kitchen. Tea usually helped discussions like he could sense this one was about to be, and he was capable enough of handling that. Making sure to pull his sleeve down over scars across his forearm before he left the kitchen, Waver set out some tea and castella cake with the help of a floating wireframe bird before calmly taking a seat.

"Okay, Fujimaru. So what's going on?" he asked, casual but edged with obvious concern.

Diarmuid was glad, really. That Ritsuka was taking up his offer of just... listening. Anyone could see that she had a great weight on her heart over the past few months. Diarmuid having added to that, no less... but that fact only further motivated him to lend her his strength whenever he could.

His own Pokemon, though feisty, was still young and more often than not followed the "senior" among them when the aura of their home grew this heavy. Because of said heavy aura, Diarmuid had him withdraw him into his Pokeball for now and took a seat as well.

"Take the time you need to find your words." He sensed she'd need it.

The tea was helping a little already, as sipping at it gave Ritsuka something to do as she got her thoughts in order. It was one thing to make the decision to actually talk about things she'd kept closely to herself for so long, and another to put it into words. And another still to actually say those words.

Finally, after considering and discarding a few different approaches, she started to begin with where this had tied in to Kaisou, and work back from there.

"You remember the spirit realm gate that was open back in October? One of my friends said it might be a good idea to visit it. And it--it was." She fumbled a bit, obviously this was touching on what was still a painful topic for her. But the rest of this was no different, so she soldiered on. "But... even after that, it seemed like there was still something else."

Some of this, Diarmuid had heard a bit about before. Perhaps Waver had heard some of it from him, at that. Hopefully they didn't mind the slight retread.

"And I didn't--no, I guess I really did know, deep down, but..."

Boy, that tea was suddenly very interesting. Ritsuka had never been good at talking about this kind of personal stuff, she probably needed a moment to collect herself enough again to say more.

"I was somewhat aware of it, yes." And he'd stayed far out of it. Never mind that he'd been coping with everything else October had been, encounters with the dead were possibly the lowest thing imaginable on Waver's own priority list.

When Ritsuka faltered, he proceeded to take exceptional interest in carefully unraveling his wireframe bird and letting the metal thread coil loosely around his wrist. Waiting patiently without remark or judgment--he could recognize when something was easier thought than spoken.

Diarmuid didn't mind the retread. Whatever she needed in order to best share her heart. Indeed, the Land of the Remembered was just as far on Diarmuid's priorities given the other Gate they were in during that month.

But seeing as she struggled, he remained steady. This was hard for her to voice, and so he reiterated gently and patiently.

"Take your time. We are here for you."

This next part was, perhaps, the hard part. Or maybe just the first hard part, that would set up everything that was to come later, but honestly Ritsuka wasn't thinking that far ahead. Still, it was lot, even pared down to the barest bones of necessary details, and Ritsuka took a deep breath before plunging in.

"Back when Chaldea's command center was bombed and the Director was killed, the person who ended up taking charge was Doctor Romani Ackerman." Some of what she was about to say she'd already told bits and pieces of to Waver. Other parts he may have read in the reports she managed to dig up at the library gate. But even if he'd read through each and every part, there had been details omitted, both of the more personal side of everything... and of certain very important facts. "The Doctor was--he was nice. He really cared about everyone, and he never really complained even when we made fun of him or his hobbies."

Now she had to switch gears for a moment, because there was simply no way to explain what happened without the other half of the context.

"What we were up against, the incineration of humanity, that was done by Goetia. That is, the demons originally summoned by Solomon. They'd possessed his corpse and were using Solomon's power, so when we finally were able to confront them directly, no matter how much we fought, we couldn't actually kill them. They just kept coming back, resummoning themselves."

Another pause, and another seeming switch of topics, but to the one that would finally tie these things together.

"I told you that there was a Holy Grail War in Fuyuki in my world that Marisbury Animusphere won," this was, of course, addressed to Waver, though she wouldn't be surprised if Diarmuid had heard about it from him. "But that... isn't everything I know about it. Marisbury's Servant, that Servant was a Caster class, and his name was Solomon. And when they won the war, Solomon wished to have a new life as a normal human.

"While we were fighting Goetia, the Doctor entered the singularity by himself. He rescinded his wish and became Solomon again, and to stop Goetia he used a spell called Ars Nova to completely erase himself from the Throne of Heroes."

Waver bit his tongue several times as Ritsuka talked; it was easily the most unbelievable thing she'd said to date. Solomon, essentially the grandfather of the very Association itself. It was impossible to keep the shock entirely off his face, though he managed to put it at a level of moderate surprise. Where to even begin?

His right hand curled unconsciously into a loose fist at the mention of Solomon's wish. Of course true incarnation was possible with or without the Grail, he knew this better than some. But to realize Solomon of all people had--in some timeline--achieved it and lived in the modern human world made his head spin. For a mage, that may as well have been the Second Coming.

"...I didn't even think that was possible." he began carefully. "The Throne of Heroes is closer to the Root than it is to the World; to sever oneself even from that would take magic only Solomon could be capable of."

There was a careful reverence to even just the name, and quickly he explained more to Diarmuid than Ritsuka: "Solomon's students were the two who founded the Association damn near two millennia ago; Director Brishisan and the Second Magician, Zelretch. There's no way to even put into words the kind of skill and power he surely had as a mage."

Carefully taking a measured breath, he swallowed six thousand questions and prioritized the girl in front of him. In a more gentle and less analytical voice, he confirmed-

"So then...erasing Solomon erases Goetia retroactively, didn't it? Which would lead the World to course correct and undo it all--like humanity was never incinerated. Is that what happened, Ritsuka?"

Edited (repeated myself) 2023-12-02 19:28 (UTC)

The further the explanation went, the less Diarmuid could parse of it all. He'd kept a relative composure but trying to keep the shock out of his expression completely was impossible. Ritsuka lost someone dear to her, that much he could understand. He could sympathize with.

But that this Romani-- Solomon, not only used his wish to live as a man upon a Holy Grail that perhaps hadn't been corrupted, but then erased himself utterly from the Throne of Heroes?

And Waver's explanation of just who Solomon was to the Mage's Association indeed explained how such a feat could be possible, if their ability was that unparalleled, it was still beyond belief for a Servant to even consider. He gave a nod to Waver indicating he was listening, but his attention was very clearly still on Ritsuka, waiting for her to continue.

While Waver may not have asked, his curiosity was clear even to Ritsuka. She certainly wasn't in the right frame of mind to answer any more technical questions anyway, but there was still one thing she could give him before moving on:

"'"The Time of Birth Hath Come, I Am the Remedy of Eternity.

"The Time of Coronation Hath Come, I Am the Beginning of Eternity."

"The Time of Parting Hath Come, I Am He Who Surrenders the World."

Ars Nova.'"

She had only heard those words once, but they were forever burned into her memory, along with the man who had spoken them. And, just perhaps, sharing that with someone who hadn't been there, who'd had nothing to do with any of it, was a step toward fully accepting the sheer finality of it.

That said, she gave a nod at Waver's actual question.

"Right. We still had to fight one last time, but since Goetia could no longer regenerate... That was it. When the final singularity collapsed after that, human civilization was restored, as if the incineration had never happened." A pause. "Though, because time had still passed while we were fighting, it was like everyone in the outside world had just gone to sleep one night and woke up over a year later..."

She probably didn't need to spell out how much of an uproar that had caused. Nor the implication that this had proven to be only the first chapter in her journey so far.

Waver let out a slow breath he didn't realize he'd been holding at the spoken words, pressing a hand to his eyes. He knew the finality with which Ritsuka spoke them; recognized it as the certain recitation of something that could not be forgotten. Written in memory in letters of blood and loss.

"...The Association must have completely shit itself. Something which even normal humans can percieve, and on so massive a scale...the entire secret of magecraft's existence would be at risk."

But who the hell cared about that right now?

"So he was just...hiding in plain sight, the entire time. But I don't understand why. Was it because Chaldea was Animusphere's project to begin with?"

Parting words that sunk into their hearts so deep as to leave a permanent scar. On Ritsuka and the very world itself. It was entirely due to this being the only part Diarmuid understood that that was the focus on his mind.

The politics of the Mage's Association more often than not flew over his head. He was a Servant summoned for the sake of the Holy Grail War. He need not learn anything beyond that, and the more he learned about the Association the more he wished it would be torn and rebuilt. What would the Association do knowing Ritsuka was at the center of risking magecraft's existence despite preserving it by preserving the world?

"A devotion to his Master... to his friends?" He spoke from his own heart, but that was just conjecture. Concern still lingered in more ways than one. If there was not just another "Diarmuid" but dozens of other Servants in Chaldea she would be fine, but.

"... Were you kept safe from the Association after the fall out?"

"I... don't know." Ritsuka gave a helpless shrug at Waver's question. "The Doctor never really talked about himself, and I never thought to ask him. But maybe... Maybe he didn't say anything so that Goetia wouldn't find out? Goetia didn't think Chaldea was a threat, and never bothered attacking until the very end. So it was a total surprise to find out that the Doctor was really Solomon all along..."

Where Waver may have spoken the name with reverence, Ritsuka referred to both names an almost fond familiarity. To her, he had originally just been a leader, a mentor, and a cherished friend, after all.

"And Chaldea was under a lot of suspicion, but I think it all worked out somehow, after everyone had a chance to review the reports, and we helped take care of some other things that came up over the next year." Of course, in her case, said reports had been heavily edited in a concerted effort to minimize or even outright erase Ritsuka's role in things. Not to deny her credit, but to protect her from catching the Mage Association's eye. A fact that even now she was unaware of, having never even thought to read said reports herself.

"In the end, Chaldea was bought out by Goredolf Musik, and all the staff were going to be replaced. Some of them were going to take job offers they got with places like the Association, so I figure that means they knew Chaldea wasn't at fault for anything. I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I was planning to just go home for a while first."

Though, of course, that hadn't happened.

"If I were to guess, the other Lords would have been caught up in damage control from Animusphere's mess specifically. I can practically feel my other self's headache from here." Prioritizing the larger picture over the small details, and perhaps it was to Ritsuka's benefit that she was unremarkable from a magical standpoint. No one would ever even believe she was capable of doing a hundred different things that might have earned someone a Sealing Designation, so avoiding one would be as simple as lying on paperwork. As for the rest, they sounded more on the scale of what the Clock Tower would want to keep within range rather than expel; not the worst fate to have, considering everything.

...It was difficult to disengage his line of thought from the Association and how they would have reacted, but that was not out of a lack of concern. To the contrary, it was due to an abundance of it. Waver had spent a decade drawing ire and admiration in equal measure from exactly the same people who could have blamed Chaldea for everything, and so he knew exactly what kind of danger was involved.

"Are...you okay? Not necessarily in general, I mean right now, telling us this. This is...a lot, Ritsuka."

Diarmuid had no direct involvement with the Association. In his mind they were just a danger to a friend. That's all they were in his eyes and he would give everything to protect his friends from that. Ritsuka was a young lady, far too young to have gone through all she did. He even thought this of Waver when they'd first met though he would dare not admit this back then.

There was a pain in that familiarity. A stinging in that fondness she uttered Romani's names with. The air here combined with the one she had last month when they spoke gave the feeling that she had never gotten the chance to rest, to think about everything.

I think right now it really is more important to focus on what's going on, though.

How many times had that been true, he wondered? Had it been 'more important to focus on right now'?

"If you need a moment to stop, you can take it. Whatever you need, let this be the space for it." Said moving to refill her tea, wordlessly offering first. "I told you that I would never see you as a bother. It rings true for us both." He gave Waver a glance and a nod. Diarmuid knew he'd agree.

"I'm--I think so, yes."

Still, she did take a moment to consider what to say next.

"Just talking about Chaldea isn't... Maybe there was a lot that happened that year I guess, but talking about that stuff isn't that bad. It wasn't like the whole world as in danger anymore then, so things were almost... normal, I guess?"

Or maybe what came after was so much worse that it had thoroughly desensitized her to any of the troubles during that brief period between disasters.

Waver opened his mouth to answer, then seemed to think better of it. Or, more likely, he was struggling to find the right wording.

"I think that when you've been in danger so consistently, when it ends in a way that's so painful and chaotic, that...sometimes the immediate aftermath can feel worse. Empty, in a way--when one's still deep in crisis mode with nowhere for that energy to go, they just spin their wheels aimlessly and put more stress on themselves."

Those early days back in the Einzbern castle had been awkward for all involved, but even besides that the shroud of heavy losses hung like a miasma in the cold winter air throughout.

"Did you...ever have a chance to stop and breathe? To actually process...any of that?" Of losing a friend, he didn't say, but the implication was obvious.

Like two different daggers through Diarmuid's heart, knowing Waver spoke from experience and that Ritsuka probably spend so, so long in that same crisis mode. Even Diarmuid struggled to let his guard down when the dogged pursuit seemed to end, though he'd never dwell on that fact any further than necessary.

Even a split second on it made his fist tighten by his side, away from either Master's sight. He and Waver were on the same wavelength, though. Wanting to ask the same questions.

"Have you had any time to let your heart heal?"

Ritsuka almost didn't want to answer that, not really. It would mean a kind of self-reflection, of dwelling on that pain, that she'd always avoided, for one reason or another. But that was the entire reason she was here, wasn't it? Because this wasn't Chaldea, and for everything going on here in the city of Kaisou, it still wasn't the end of the world. Here, as Waver had so bluntly told her, there was time between disasters to actually recover.

And here, she wasn't Chaldea's lone Master, the one person who couldn't afford to ever break or even hesitate under any circumstance.

"Not at Chaldea." She spoke that admission quietly, her gaze focused down on the teacup in her hands. "And... I don't know if I ever really will, there."

"Of course not." There was no judgment or condemnation in those words, but a tired and resigned understanding as Waver picked up his own teacup. "For people like us, there never is. It's one thing after another after another, walking an endless battlefield with countless pieces left behind that could never be picked up."

He took a drink and set the teacup down again, sighing quietly.

"...It's not fair. Not to you or anyone else. And I'm sorry that you weren't given the time to let that pain settle in and scar over. You've been running across that battlefield bleeding out this entire time, and it's cruel to you that it sounds like there was no other choice."

Edited (accidentally a word) 2023-12-02 22:29 (UTC)

No, she wouldn't be. Neither of these two would be. He'd say nothing of himself, having at least in part devoted himself to a knight's path. A war's path. These two are just... they're regular people, regular humans caught in a hellish string of chaos. They're both who a knight like him swore to protect.

As ever, Diarmuid spoke with that conviction though the subtle and relative quiet nature of his tone made clear that he felt so deeply for this girl.

"You've been dealt a cruel hand, Ritsuka. Seen tragedy and found yourself so lost within it that it is easiest to set your pain aside. But you came to us despite that, freed yourself enough to seek out your friends to listen and help carry the weight in your heart. That took courage to do."

Few things were as frightening as admitting one's pain. You could face an unkillable menace and not flinch but to acknowledge when help was needed was something the greatest knights struggled with.

"I--"

She didn't know what to say to that, and those reassurances, the genuine sympathy and not just detached pity, struck a chord with her. Even when surrounded by people she cared about and who she knew cared about her, she'd still somehow always felt alone, apart. That she couldn't allow herself to expose her fears and pain, lest it demoralize the others and undermine all they'd all worked towards.

It was enough, even, for something inside her to break loose, a little, from the steely self-control that had so long bound it.

"It's... it's not that hard, to fight. Not really." She spoke a little slower and haltingly, though gradually picked up the pace a little as she continued. "When it's just--it was always that if we fought there's a chance we could die, but maybe not. But not fighting at all, not doing anything, then for sure we'd die, sooner or later. So it's really not hard to think about, because any chance, even a tiny one, is better than nothing, it's better than just giving up."

Never mind that many people, perhaps even most people, might not have that fortitude anyway. Ritsuka had never thought about that anyway, just her own motivations, her own drive to live no matter the personal cost.

"So that's... I don't know about fair or not, but I never thought it was that hard. Not choosing to keep on fighting.

"But... What if someday that isn't the case? What if--"

--like with Solomon and Goetia--

"--What if to win you might have to die anyway?"

Waver swallowed hard against something caught in his throat, glancing for just a second to Diarmuid; without word or thought communicating I'll go first, back me up.

"It's 'not hard' because to make the choice to fight or die itself is an easy one. It is far more difficult for humans to give up than the alternative; that's just how we are. But fighting in itself, living every day knowing something might kill you, that wears on a person in ways they may not even realize until it becomes harder and harder to take another step on the path they've chosen. But as to your question..."

Crossing his weaker right leg over his left, interlacing his hands neatly on the table, he took a careful breath and began speaking.

"...If it's alright, I'd like to speak from personal experience for a minute."

What if to win you might have to die anyway?

"My plans for the Fifth War have been myriad and accounting for many variables. But very few of them have accounted for my survival. In fact, most of my work in the past decade has hinged on the idea that I would die taking the Holy Grail down with me."

It had not been an unreasonable assumption, in his own opinion--it still wasn't.

"So I shouldered everything alone to spare Irisviel and the others the worst of it, and before I got here that methodology very nearly did kill me."

That foolishness, an old grudge, and another grudge older still. Pointedly, he stared only at Ritsuka and did not look to Diarmuid as he spoke.

"...I'm only alive today because someone was watching out for me, despite how much I tried to keep her out of it. And I'm not saying I'll definitely stay that way, or that an ultimate victory will come without bloodshed or loss. What I'm saying is that you aren't alone. You have friends, Servants, allies, so let yourself rely on them. What happens from there is their choice as well as your own; but it's much more likely you might all get out alive if you're bearing all of this together."

A single glance met with the same. He understood without any words or even a nod, he just allowed Waver to speak. Fighting to survive was not living. Walking on a thin foundation where the promise of tomorrow was not guaranteed made the solid earth beneath one's feet crack with every step, in every waking moment.

It's a way to keep breathing, not to be alive.

... It would be a lie to say Waver speaking of his personal experience to Ritsuka, pointedly to Ritsuka didn't make irritation crop up in Diarmuid's heart. The same anger that surfaced when Waver first told him of his confrontation with Sola-Ui that he foolishly went at alone. Nearly losing his life though it was low on his priority list to begin with. His jaw clenched a little, but his attention still stayed primarily with Ritsuka save for a passing glance.

"No one can bear the what you have alone. The burden is your circumstances, not you. And the hands of your friends will always be there to take when the weight becomes so heavy you feel close to collapsing.

You wouldn't expect your friends to enter the fray alone and injured. You would come to their aid no matter what, I know you would. No one knows what the future holds," A longer but temporary glance at Waver.

"And to dwell on the hypothetical for too long would only lead to madness. Count on the fact that you are not alone. And so long as either of us are here, you never will be. Have the courage to reach out and trust in your loved ones. They will be with you no matter the result."

A short pause.

"... And allow me to make this promise to you as I've done for others. I promise you, on all the honor of the Fianna. I will not die. Never again. I will support you as your friend. We will survive."

Could he guarantee that? No. It didn't matter to him. He would make it true. He would make that promise a reality. He promised Rose, he promised Waver, and he promised Ritsuka. Diarmuid ua Duibhne would never go back on his oath.

"I--I know that. That I can't do things by myself." She appreciated their words, far more than she could say, but there was simply so much here, and now that she'd started talking it was oddly hard to stop. "I mean, it's not like there's anything much I can do on my own anyway..."

There was an unambiguous edge of bitterness in that statement, one that normally was absent. No matter how harsh she was on herself when speaking to others, she usually always took care to keep such ugly feelings to herself. Now, though, everything just seemed to be spilling out anyway.

"And I don't mean-- I--"

She hesitated, grasping for words.

"I can't afford to let everyone down either, though. If we're all fighting together, that means everyone does there best, that means me, too. I can't... I can't hesitate just because I'm weak and afraid."

She was, perhaps, still circling around the actual issue at heart here. The specific things she's so afraid of.

"Ritsuka-..."

Trailing off, for a moment Waver stared at the girl in front of him like he was seeing a faded reflection more than anything.That bitterness cut like a knife and rang like an echo--there's nothing I can do, I'm nothing, I'm weak, I'm a coward, for how many years had he understood that sentiment too well?

'If I die in this war, then...fine. Living and dying like something worthless is probably what I deserve, but I never wanted to drag anyone else down with me.'

His own voice from years past came to mind suddenly, and something uncomfortable clicked into place.

"Is it that...you think you aren't enough? You're afraid of failure that might lead to losing someone else, because you see yourself as less capable than those around you?"

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are y'all ready to cry yet

thisisfine.jpg

i been crying idk about you

well grab more tissues 'cause we ain't done yet :D

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