kaisou | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

WHO: Ritsuka, Waver, and Diarmuid
WHERE: probably Waver and Dia's place
WHEN: early December
WHAT: Talking about some pre-Kaisou traumas
WARNINGS: a LOT of talk about death, destruction, and morally questionable deeds of various forms; basically the Fate/s being depressing as heck

To say that the past few months had been stressful for Ritsuka would be putting it incredibly mildly. And while she'd done her best to try to work through it, in no small part due to Waver's urging, there was still a lingering something that kept eating at her. Which wasn't to say all the other pain and grief was gone, of course, but that at least she'd mostly been able to more or less identify and address to some degree or another. No, this was different, and she only gradually began to realize what it might be.

At which point she recalled Diarmuid's offer to listen, if she had something she wanted to talk about. And not to mention, after all he'd done to help her, perhaps this was something Waver ought to hear as well. So after a few days of internal debate and generally putting things off, Ritsuka finally reached out to set up a time to meet, and now here she was.

... Now she just needed to figure out where to even begin.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Over a decade passed for Waver and here he was. Telling a fellow Master but more notably a student the very same thing Diarmuid had. To think it was so clear in his memory. To think Diarmuid had so much influence.

That his words could be passed down this way to someone else who needed it. Waver has spoken much more with Ritsuka than he had, these words would mean more coming from him. But in this moment he couldn't help but think of how proud he was of his Master.

"..."

There really wasn't much Ritsuka could possibly say to that, even if she were in a state to. Which, perhaps obviously, she wasn't. The combination of actually talking about some of her biggest griefs and fears with such reassurance and understanding had been enough to expose the feelings she normally kept carefully and strictly to herself.

So she could no longer stop the tears from coming, and while she barely made a sound, the way her shoulders shook betrayed the depth of that pain.

"...I know. It's alright, Ritsuka." There wasn't much else he could say or do but let his fellow Master cry on his shoulder. And thank whatever gods still existed she could even still do that, where Waver himself had nearly lost the ability entirely.

"You're not weak, do you understand us? It's not wrong to be afraid, or to be in pain from the things we've lost. I don't want to meet the kind of person who could endure the kind of things you have without flinching or breaking down, because that wouldn't be anything remotely human anymore."

This was clearly a long time coming. One did not often know how badly their emotions needed to be let out until their situation was seen from another set of eyes. Until they had someone near that they could fall apart around. The biggest crime was that it took this long for Ritsuka to be able to do it.

Diarmuid rose from his seat, kneeling by Ritsuka as well and laying a gentle hand upon her back to move in a comforting motion. To encourage her to let out whatever she needed.

"When you feel the weight begun to crush you, we will be here. Allow yourself a place of safety to be able to mourn your loss and grapple with your fear so that you may overcome it. To hurt and feel intensely is not to be weak. It is to be human."

Sometimes, late at night, in the privacy of her room at Chaldea, Ritsuka would cry. Never much, insofar as she could help it, and always, always, as quietly as she could make herself. It wouldn't do to disturb or trouble anyone else with her own little problems when the entire world was at stake after all, would it? And over time, that part had become sheer habit, such that even now, even when she wasn't trying to hold back, her sobs were disproportionately quiet for their intensity.

A fact which was certainly helped along by the heartfelt reassurances. Even if it means that it may be, well, a good few minutes before she calms down again. She has a lot to get out of her system, after all.

Neither of them was going anywhere, no matter how long it took. Even though holding this position was quickly causing Waver no small amount of discomfort, he surreptitiously channeled reinforcement into his leg and didn't dare move. Perhaps, lost for words and seeking out anything that might help, there were a few hummed notes of a song he had been taught by a similarly distraught and lonely girl years ago. But for the most part, he simply remained exactly where he was in support, waiting patiently for Ritsuka to decide she had the worst of it out of her system at last.

That wasn't something Diarmuid recognized from Waver. Yet another tug on his heart, it would seem but he only gave him a slight glance. Patience was his virtue as much as honor. They would both stay here, Diarmuid would rub that comforting hand along her back to remind her that this is okay.

That they're both here for her, to give her this quiet moment to let it all out.

While it certainly took a few minutes, eventually the sobs subsided. More noticeable again simply from Ritsuka growing more still than anything. Of course, with calm came increased awareness, and not small bit of self-consciousness.

"I--ah..."

It was hard not to feel at least a little embarrassed, after realizing how much of a breakdown she'd just had, and Ritsuka fumbled for words, not knowing what to even say.

Waver pulled back to arm's length, hands on Ritsuka's shoulders and a calm look on his face as steady as a stone foundation.

"Don't you dare apologize." he said gently, but with a finality to leave no room for argument. "Not for this. You're allowed to break down and fall apart, do you understand? That's what your friends and allies are here for; to help you stand back up and put those pieces together. That's why you have us."

Diarmuid nodded. "Time will always be made for you, Ritsuka. There's nothing you need to apologize for or be ashamed of."

This is exactly the reason he extended the invitation in the first place, after all. Whatever the result would end up being, he would listen. Lift her up again, help her walk again. Both of them would.

Well, if she'd been self-conscious before, being so quickly and directly called out certainly didn't help matters. Ritsuka ducked her head, definitely embarrassed.

"Ah..."

She swallowed, her throat a little on the dry side from the all the crying.

"... Okay."

She would try to remember that, even if it was still difficult to even think about letting herself be so vulnerable in front of others.

"Good. Glad that's clear." He offered a small but honest smile, tilting his head slightly.

"...Do you feel a little better now?"

There were times friends needed to call friends out a little. Sometimes the reminder to forego any bashfulness took a bit to click.

"You need only say the word if there is anything else you need."

"Yeah."

Being comfortable with letting herself be so emotionally vulnerable around others was something that would take time to learn. But this was a start, at least, and much as she couldn't fully banish the self-consciousness, she did feel better, somehow.

"... Thanks."

"You don't have to thank us, either." Pulling himself back to his feet with a muttered curse under his breath, Waver took up his chair again and shrugged.

"Like I said...that's what we're here for."

Diarmuid knows that leg of his by now and was just as quick to help Waver to stand up again. Here for the literal and metaphorical means to do so, after all. Never one to do things halfway.

"There isn't a limit on this offer to listen. Whenever you find yourself adrift, call on one of us and we will help you find your way."

Knowing there was little enough she could do to help Waver that Diarmuid already have covered, Ritsuka took the moment to wipe at her damp eyes. Boy, was she a mess right now.

Still, something about Waver's dismissal sparked a bit of her stubbornness.

"Sure, but... That doesn't mean I'm not grateful anyway, you know."

Spoken with a soft smile, but also a certain firmness that made it clear she had no intention of backing down on that point. She'd express her genuine gratitude whether they liked it or not, that's also a thing friends are allowed to do, as far as Ritsuka's concerned.

"Yeah, I know." At the very least, he seemed more willing to concede that point with a small laugh.

"But even so, we'll be here for you every time. No thanks required, no expectations, no problem."

Before she had a chance to wipe her eyes with a sleeve, Diarmuid was right there to offer her a handkerchief so as to not mess with her clothes.

"I'm glad to see a smile on your face again." As one came to his as well. He nodded again. "Every time."

"I'll remember that."

That didn't mean reaching would would be easy. Even after this, which itself was only after a long series of events an inner turmoil finally convincing her, it would probably still be a struggle. Literal years of ingrained habits were unfortunately not overturned easily.

But, it was a start, at least. And she meant what she said. Even if she might still have some hesitation to act on them, she'd remember those words and assurances. In the mean time, though...

"Umm... Though I don't suppose there's more tea?"

Her throat really was kind of dry from all this talking and crying.

"...Fujimaru, I'm English. Of course there's more tea."

Sure, he drank more coffee, but one had to be prepared for emergencies.

An overnight change was certainly not expected. The offer would be there when she felt comfortable enough to reach out.

Diarmuid couldn't help but laugh at both the tea question and the following quip from his Master.

"Hahaha. Here, allow me." Said while refilling her cup. A nice way to refresh and feel better after such an emotionally taxing moment.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only