kaisou | [sermon one] black thoughts they come like a gun on the hip

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[sermon one] black thoughts they come like a gun on the hip

WHO: nico, vash the pain in his neck, and you?
WHERE: nico's labyrinth and immediately after
WHEN: forward-dated to 4/15
WHAT: sometimes you're minding your business in the wake of the end of the world when a fresh crock of bullshit decides you're not allowed to leave the ride just yet.
WARNINGS: cw: blood, possible talk of human experimentation

i. inside a nightmare

[If Nicholas had been less of a realist, he might've called the situation unfair. hell, most people would've called fate or whatever greater cosmic force they might've believed in a huge jerk for taking them to the edge of the end of the world, only to avert said end of the world (except not, to the tune of a few hundred thousand people), leaving the (un?) fortunate souls to figure out what came next in wake of the shiny new hole in the planet, but wolfwood knows he's a bad person, so it's passe to complain.

Still. Tt's kind of a dick move to send a gaping black nightmare asshole to swallow him for the second time in his short life. Almost makes a guy long to be worm chow again. Worms are meat; sensible, shreddable meat, but black void assholery (shot through with horrid purple flowers and black, suffocating vines--) is just a whole new level outside the Punisher's pay grade. Not that he knows if he's got a paygrade these days, considering everything--

Still. There's nothing to do but get over it and get on with it when he wakes up again, shouldering his gun as his senses come back to him, throbbing but focusing in with a practiced quickness as he takes stock of where he is and finds himself--

Home.

He would know the sight of Hopeland Orphanage anywhere, and his gut twists to be in the one place he's missed more than anywhere, and the last place he deserves to be after everything that's happened. He doesn't think of Livio as he runs a hand over one of the large beds that tje children huddled in together, a sudden thought coming to him that for all it looked like Hopeland, it didn't smell, didnt *sound* like Hopeland, the busy orphanage eerily silent where the sounds of children should've echoed and prevailed.

Unease settled on his back. Wolfwood adjusted his hold on the straps of the Cross Punisher and made his way for the door--

Only to be greeted with the smell of blood and antiseptic, machines buzzing and beeping, whirring as they monitored god only knew what. A familiar table with heavy restraints laid nestled amongst the equipment, and Nicholas fought the briefest flickers of a number of emotions he'd snuffed out like so many cigarettes a long timr ago, dragging his eyes away from the table and to rhe next door, putting a little power into his walk because the Punisher didn't run.]

ii. outside in a different nightmare

[voice]

[the recording cuts in to the middle of two people arguing; people familiar with Vash will probably recognize his big yap anywhere, but the other voice is super mysterious!!]

--last time, I ain't gonna introduce myself to a bunch of strange weirdos. That's dumb.

[A gasp of outrage, theatric, from Vash.]

--They're not a bunch of weirdos! They're my friends! At least, most of them. Ones I haven't met yet, too.

[A heavy, put upon sigh from not-Vash.]

That doesn't inspire much confidence considering you call people actively shooting at you friends, Blondie.

Listen, that's different, people don't shoot at me here at all, so just. How hard is it to say, Hey, I'm new in town, nice t'meetcha, name's Nicholas D. Wolfwood, priest extraordinare!

For the last time, I'm an undertaker, not a priest, and that's still dumb. I don't need a bunch of people to know me. I just need a place where I can get some smokes because I don't have enough on me to deal with whatever tomasshit is going on right now.

Well, then you could just do that! There are plenty of people who use the--oh, wait, the light's on.

[Uh--fumble fumble? Somebody didn't read the instruction booklet. Unconfirmed whether someone can read, actually.]

Huh? What's that mean?

It's already recording over the network. I must have hit the button when I tried to take your phone.

[The long-suffering noise is sharp and swift.]

You dumb--Needlenoggin! I'll show you hit the button-- [a thud, and the immediate sounds of Vash whining like a dog you just stepped on.]

Turn it off!

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[Rren, pocketed their phone, not because they were listening to that request, but because they had their photos, and then crossed their arms, thoroughly unimpressed.]

Only 'just starting to get over your last set of wounds' is exactly the problem. You do see how going looking for trouble with that in mind is the problem. Right? So now. Either I let your undertaker friend bludgeon you to death and come up with a fittingly irritated eulogy, or I get you home and drop a sleeping bunny on you so that you maybe stay out of trouble for five damn minutes.

Now. I know which one I'd prefer...

[Rren was not feeling charitable enough to clarify which.]

Friend is a real strong word, Needlenoggin.

[ he smirks a little as Vash whines away, shifting to sit up again with his hands propped on his knees, watching as Vash gets dressed down and back up the other way, propping his chin up on his hand Rren works, a master of their own field. ]

I'm still real in favor of option one. I even practiced my prayers so we'll probably get a couple lines deeper than usual.

[ the man knows one line of the Our Father and everyone'll have to be happy with it. ]

I'm not LOOKING for trouble, I just--
I think about someone being in danger, all on their own and my whole body just moves without me thinking about it, okay? I can't help it, it's like instinct!

Like... like lemmings following each other, or a sunflower that turns towards the sun, or... or how a dog chases its own tail...

[ the whining continues. ]

Please don't let Nico bludgeon me, he really will do it, you know! [ he believes fully that you wont, wolfwood, but he can still whine about it. ]

I'll go home, okay, I'll even pay you back the money you spent to get here, just.

Aw, man. Can't you both be nice to me?

[On one hand, Rren had very little room to talk, they'd gone to fight armed with fireworks. On the other, they weren't the one who'd almost gotten killed.]

...

Lemmings? Of all animals you could have said, Lemmings?? Oh, Mr. The Stampede.

But you know what, yeah, I can see lemming you throwing yourself off a cliff following another lemming. Great instinct.

Except you are even worse, because you either hiked all the way here, or got a ride.. when you were supposed to be resting. That goes a bit beyond moving without thinking about it. That was premeditated dumbassery.

Now.

[They focused back on Wolfwood.]

Shall we get him back to his place where there will be fewer witnesses if violence is needed?

I can raid his kitchen and see what there is to eat too, if you're hungry.

[ wolfwood doesn't know what a lemming is and at this point he's too afraid to ask ]

Hey now, don't accuse him of premeditating his stupidity, that'd imply he's got two braincells to rub together to plan things out in advance. He don't.

[ what side is wolfwood on? the one that he can roast vash the hardest from.

at the mention of food, though... hmm. wolfwood's face relaxes a little and he looks interested, instead of smugly amused at vash's misfortunes. ]

Yeah, I could go for some grub. [ and some... not standing in a public park. ] What do they have around these parts, Spikey?

It was just the first thing to come to mind! I'm not actually--

You know what, you're both just really mean. Here I am, doing my best. And I'm just getting bullied, nonstop.

[ THE WHINING

WILL CONTINUE ]

I walked, but it's because I'm feeling all cooped up! I'm not used to just. Staying in one place for a really long time, you know?
We can get a ride back, I'll even pay for it, but... [ come onnnn...

he looks at wolfwood pathetically, you can almost hear the whine in his throat. ]

....Well, back home, I have a whole garden that grows all kinds of fruit and vegetables. I keep stuff like rice and bread at the house, too. I don't really have a refrigerator so meat or eggs are out, but. Yanno, that sort of thing can come with time I guess.

If we wanted to stop somewhere to pick up some meat, I'm sure we could figure out some sort of good dinner.
I'll even cook if you two stop bullying me so much.

Geez.

[Rren gave a faint head tilt, looking between the two.]

Well, I suppose I can be nice... nice adjacent. At least until it gets me food.

Think you can stay nice adjacent with me, Prea-- Not a Priest?

Now, are you done hiding? If you're going to keep hiding I get to show off.

[Somehow they made asking if they would get to show off sound threatening. It was unclear how. Like they were any kind of threat to Mr. The Stampede really? And yet...]

Something's gotta keep you humble in this life, Blondie.

[ the bullying will continue

... until it doesn't, because Rren calls a truce and throws Wolfwood's ass for a loop as the Uno reverse card gives Wolfwood a weird nickname that he squints at Rren for. ]

Name's Wolfwood. We already talked about the undertaker thing.

[ why does the priesthood factor into any of this.

anyway--anyway, he watches Vash with a sort of cagey fascination as the man waxes poetic about his food supplies, and it's almost too good to be true. it's the kind of thing somebody with access to a Plant would promise to get you to come out to their town, and then boom, you're in a stripmining operation and there are bugs everywhere and you still haven't gotten a ham sandwich out of the deal. it's bugs all the way down. ]

I guess I'll hold my disbelief 'til I see it, Spikes--on both the stores of food and the fact you can cook. Lead the way?

[ but then Rren makes mention of showing off, and Wolfwood pauses in his motion to get a hold of Cross Punisher with a grin. ]

Is this where the fireworks come into play?

[ i am in misery ]

Just accept the title, Nico. I'm afraid Rren isn't about to change it.

[ he's been mr the stampede from day one, and likely will be it forever. He does come out of hiding behind the cross punisher, though with a VERY put-upon sigh, he's suffering!!!

Taking out his phone so he can call a cab for them--as promised!!! and everything!!! rren threatening to show off is making him paranoid, what does that EVEN MEAN,,, ]

I don't know what showing off is supposed to do to threaten me, but come on--I'm being good, see, we're going home. Home.
And of course I can cook, I've been alone most of my life? ...[ like. he ... had to learn to cook, buddy. he's gonna smile kind of serenely at wolfwood, before turning to look at Rren. ]

Can we stop being mad at me now? [ puppy eyes. ]

[Rren looks far too disappointed when Vash comes out of hiding. They gave Wolfwood a sort of resigned shrug, coupled with an impish grin.]

Sadly, it seems showing off can wait. At least until after food, since I mean, being nice and all. But nah, not fireworks. But like, I do still have some in my backpack. We could always set them off somewhere.

[Oh the look that Vash's Puppy Dog eyes earned. But finally Rren sighs.]

I am still angry. Got it? But... I can only yell at you so much for this. I need to save energy for the next stupid thing you get yourself into.

That's... disconcerting.

[ the nicknamer has become the nicknamed. it's fun when he does it because he does it to put up emotional walls between himself and others but when other people do it it's a sign of closeness so stop it. Wolfwood shrugs back and goes to collect his gun, hefting it up against his shoulders as they start to pack up, pack in.

get ready for whatever it is Vash is doing to get them from point A to point B. ]

Give him ten minutes, he'll do or say something that requires showing off. Especially if you're good at holding a grudge.

Being alone and really needing to do it also doesn't mean a damn thing, Blondie. Lots of people have things they need to do that they leave off because they can't make heads or tails of it. You could be one of those mythic people that burn water.

You can set them off at the farm so long as you don't damage the plants! I don't know, maybe it'll be a fun thing to do when the sun sets?

Anyway, okay, okay, you can still be mad at me and I'll do everything in my power to win forgiveness. [ abort, the puppy eyes Are Not Working. Abort. ]

And come on, Nico, can't you have a little more faith in me, Gaah, I'm not gonna' do anything bad! Promise, you can even take my gun from me once we get home, just.

[ he's gonna huff and grumble, and start heading towards the road just outside of blue fish park. there's a cab already pulling up. ]

Our ride's here, so let's-- stop taking chunks out of my already very damaged body and be nice to me instead. Please?

I don't want to set them off where they might scare your animals. I mean, if you think they'll be okay with them, then ah, maybe?

[Rren gave the most exaggerated of eye rolls]

You know what, Not a Priest? You're right. If I weren't trying to con my way into free food, I might have already given up and decided to show off after all.

[Rren shook their head and opened the back door, holding it open for Mr. The Stampede to get in.

What Not a Priest planned to do with that comically large cross was between him and whatever god it was that he didn't worship.]

Y'see, Needlenoggin, the problem with faith--and I suppose we can narrow it down to the problem of faith in you specifically, otherwise we'd be here all day and I'm gettin' hungry--is that you've already shown me that you're more likely than not gonna run forehead first into problems, so you're expecting me to gamble on the 1 in 10 that you decide to stay home and listen to the radio for once in your life.

I'm not a faithful man or a gambling one. Stupid's up in the air, and we can continue that debate while you scrounge up some grub.

[ he gives a little wave of his hand, as if that's that, and Vash is still on thin ice, but then there are new, fun things to deal with. Wolfwood will get the Cross Punisher home by hook or crook, whether he has to hold it out the window one handed or lash it to the top of the poor Uber driver's car. Baby goes where Daddy goes. ]

I don't have a radio at the house, just an MP3 player.

[ BECAUSE THATS IT
THATS THE FUCKING ARGUMENT
HE CANT BRING UP A SINGLE THING THAT RREN OR WOLFWOOD HAS SAID THAT IS WRONG
this is the worst day of his life (it isnt) and everyone is so mean to him goddamn (they aren't).

He will get into the car as Rren gracefully opens the door for him, though. Scrambling inside to take the furthest spot as Wolfwood manages to convince the poor cab driver to attach his giant cross to the bike rack.
...fortunately the car doesnt groan with 300lbs of weight being added to the thing, sheesh.

Once they arrive at the outskirts of the city, he'll give the driver a sizable tip and an apology, before leading his two friends into the winding country road and trees that came before his property--
a property that was given to him when he arrived from someone who pitied the plant man for being so lost.
He gives a sheepish smile as the trio pass into the large stone gate, crawling with ivy into the honestly huge garden.

It's warmer, suddenly, too.
As if they'd passed from being in an early spring chill of the road into a mid-summer's day, despite the weather overhead looking the same. A couple of bees buzzing past as Vash walks up the gentle dirt path alongside a huge vegetable garden--leafy and green, before turning to look sheepishly at his friends.

At a glance, there's dozens of different kinds of plants. Both edible and just pretty, like eggplant and cabbage, wheat and a variety of flowers.
There's a stone-hewn cottage behind the garden itself, as well as an old stone well. Beyond the garden is a large copse of trees--the trees laden with fruit. Apples, pomegranate, olives....

For someone who was raised in a desert, it was a literal Eden. ]

...so, um.
You guys can look what sort of vegetables you want to eat. I can cook something in the house. I've got plenty of ingredients to make some sort of dish with what's here.

You are aware an MP3 player gives you access to a lot more music and shows than listening to an actual radio. Right?

[And with that final question, Rren stayed quiet for the drive. This was in no small part because they didn't want the driver to abruptly decide they weren't getting paid enough for this and drop them off on the side of the road. (And they would not have blamed them at all!)

And then once on Mr. The Stampede's property they were quiet because they were stunned. Processing error. Garden envy. All of that nonsense.

This was so much more than they had realized based on pictures alone.]

Oh. Ah...

I mean, if it was just me, I'd probably make myself sick eating far too many apples, especially if you have cinnamon.

Any thoughts, Not A Priest?

[Wait.. would he even know any of the options? Oh well. Too late now. The question was out there.]

Well ain't you fancy with your non-radio technology and your mysterious sand steamer computers and such.

[ Wolfwood will, grudgingly, put out his cigarette before he himself gets in the car, all in the name of not getting booted out God knows where before they get to their destination. he's fairly quiet himself, watching the world speed by as if he could make a mental map of where they were going, leaning on the window in his idle curiosity.

he reclaims his heavy-ass cross when they stop, hefted up against his shoulder as he follows Vash and Rren at a lazier pace, relighting the cigarette that he'd put out because he was already running low on war supplies... and even though Wolfwood had one casual encounter with 'a garden' before, he's not ready for what he sees, for the wash of warm air over his skin, and the just... stretch. Of green, lush grass, growing flora, a river, and all the food.

when Rren and Vash look at him for his opinion, Wolfwood has crouched down, leaned back against his cross to keep it upright as he just. takes in the scene in front of him, mouth open, eyes covered by sunglasses that don't do much to disguise the sheer wonder in his face by the furrow of his brow, the way his fingers are fisted in his pants. ]

... goddamn, Spikes. You weren't kidding.

[ soft, almost subdued.

what else are you supposed to do, as a child of nothing, of a desert that doesn't even hate you, but only views you indifferently, when you walk into paradise? ]

[ He does his best to look sheepish once they're in the garden. A hand placed on the back of his neck as both Rren and Wolfwood react with similar expressions. Eyes wide and with definite silence that lasts too long.

It's fine--he was the EXACT same way when he was first shown the garden too--brought here by Jun, and told he could live here if he took care of it. He's been doing that for almost two months now, and it's kind of... nice, to be able to share it with his friends like this.
Their happiness is his happiness. ]

I told you I wasn't kidding! Why would I lie about something like this?
Welcome to, er, my home, I guess. And you're always welcome here, for as long as you guys would like to stay or visit. [ wolfwood, he figures, would need a home, after all. ] It's a magic garden, so, um. It grows all year round, even when there's snow? And the climate here is always warm, too, so...

Apples. If you like apples, I could work on making an apple pie for dinner. I threshed a bunch of wheat from the garden before I lost my arm, I'd just need help rolling out the dough once I have the flour made.

If one of you wanna climb the trees and get some big apples down, we can cut them up and make some great food with them...

[While the enormity of the magic garden caught Rren off guard, they recovered composure quickly.]

I can climb for apples. That sounds fun. And less like work than helping roll out dough.

[Getting down was Future Rren's problem.

They smirked and found a spot out of the way to set down their backpack.]

Maybe this time I'll make it out without turning into a cat again.

You lie about a lot of things, Needlenoggin.

[ it's out of his mouth before he can stop it (without the sharp edge that would delineate it as Maybe a Joke), and while he's not... wrong, or particularly ashamed of putting Vash's shit right there on blast where everyone can see it because Wolfwood can only shut his mouth when it comes to himself, he maybe, sort of, if you squint, might feel a bit bad about being such a dick to the one person who's been like, 98% nice to him, discounting the thing with Rollo which, to be fair, was Wolfwood's own fault, but who's counting commas and technicalities?

there's a face journey happening where Wolfwood is crouched down, but he hates that sort of emotional availability so he shakes it off and carries his big ass cross to the side of the house to lean it there, hands in his pockets. ]

I guess I can do whatever the dough thing is, then. How hard can it be?

[ ... although something filters in through his generally overloaded senses that the last second, head turning to look at Rren. ]

What do you mean turn into a cat? This time?

Edited 2023-04-25 12:56 (UTC)

There's a few empty baskets near the house there, you can grab one to collect the apples in. [ he points towards the orchard, off to the left side of the house, before heading in towards the cottage--expecting wolfwood to follow. he gives a bit of a crooked smile over his shoulder, sheepish at being called a liar but. not outright denying it? deciding to focus on skmething else, instead. ]

You got two good hands, its just a bit of kneading and mixing, I'll show you how.

Once Rren gets the apples, we can cut them up together.

[ he'll leave the question about the cat stuff to rren, too, pushing into the cottage with a high, amused laugh. ]

[Rren, abundantly helpful, just gave a wry grin to Wolfwood.]

Yeah. That sort of thing happens sometimes here. Welcome to Kaisou!

[And with that lack of answer they picked up a basket and headed for the orchard.

If either looked out while they worked, the might notice that after climbing up and picking the apples that looked ripe they were clearly stuck, eyeing how to get down, their nose wrinkled up in annoyance. In moments like this, they really hated past Rren.

If neither looked out, well, eventually they'd make it down without assistance.

Probably.]

I don't know if welcome is the emotion I'm feelin' right now.

[ he feels a little light-headed, honestly, and if he hadn't just been subtly pressganged into cooking, he probably would've lit another cigarette to take the edge off--part of him thinks he should be annoyed that vash just presumes he's following, but to be fair, that's what wolfwood had been doing for a solid two months, so.

shut the fuck up.

how hard could rolling dough out be?

twenty minutes later, Wolfwood curses whatever asshole took Vash the Stampede's arm because rolling dough out sucks and his shoulders were not meant to move in these directions for this long. Still, he's not about to be defeated by pastry--though he does spare a look up, perhaps to see if Rren's task sucks as much as his does, and well. ]

You wanna take bets on whether they screw their ankles up jumping out of your tree, Spikes?

I mean, it's pretty great here once you get used to it. Even if there's no electricity out here, there's all the food and water you need. Oh, you have to boil the water before drinking it, but me and Libra have already pre-boiled a few big bottles worth so no worries about that, today.

[ and then the pastry dough-ening. He can keep basic ingredients cold without a fridge due to this brilliant set-up that Libra taught him; a laundry basket tied to a post near the river. Items sealed in leak-proof plastic and left underwater--they kept remarkably cold for when they were needed. So the butter for the pastry is made without an issue--other than wolfwood complaining about how annoying rolling and pressing dough was. But all in all, they got a good pastry dough made, set up and set to pre-bake in a lowly-lit fire-burning oven by the time Wolfwood brings up Rren. Hm. He's right. ]

Aw, come on. Rren is way more dexterous than that, I think? Maybe they just got lost in the orchard, or lost track of time. That happens to me.

Let's go find them, yeah? They'll need help washing and cutting the apples anyway.

[ more work for you two-handed people. time to grab wolfwood to the small orchard that hosted a dozen apple trees, as well as olive and pomegranate trees. ]

Hey, Rren!!
Didn't get distracted by the amount of fruit to eat out here, didja?

[Rren sat in a tree, leaning against the trunk of it. Somehow it was not the first tree they'd climbed up. But they still seemed a bit reluctant about trying to get down.]

Nah. I just kind of figured you two might want time to catch up or something.

[Truth. But also. The ground seemed awfully far down.]

I take it you're ready for these apples, huh?

[sermon one] black thoughts they come like a gun on the hip

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