video: un: bar_cat75

[wiseoldbartender]

WHO: Husk and you!
WHERE: Gemini
WHEN: At about 2:30am on Monday morning
WHAT: Party Cat
WARNINGS: Husk's general pottymouth.

[ Normally when Husk appears on the network at stupid hours of the night, it means he's got some horrible (and weirdly sexual) prophecy to dump on you all with all the bedside manner of a drowned possum. He looks like he's been roused from sleep, given what a mess his fur is. He looks extremely annoyed, but that's pretty regular for him too.]

I got woken up by this bitch-ass thing and I need to know what the hell to do to make it go away. I tried picking it up and tossing it outta the window, but it just appeared back again.

[He turns the camera to where a little cat is crawling all over his bed. It turns to face the camera and utters one, single word: ]

Party

[Husk pinches the bridge of his muzzle, exhaling sharply. ]

No. I don't wanna party with you, you little fuckass. Piss off. [He focuses back on the camera again.] So, has anyone dealt with one of these before? The fuck do I do to get rid of it?

Comments

Text; UN; BossLady

[clawsomeproprietress]

Aw, cmon Grumpy Cat you know the solution don’t ya? Clearly it wants to party, seems pretty simple that you just gotta party.

voice; un: antiva

[mmmleather]

[Husk isn’t the only one getting woken at this hour. Half asleep replies are probably not the smartest idea ever but we knew this man was a little stupid already.]

Mmrph, Husk my friend… if you wanted to have a party with me, could it not have waited until dawn?

[All cats sound the same at 2:30am right?]

[wiseoldbartender]

[ No. Don't do him dirty like this.]

It's half two in the fuckin' morning. I don't wanna party, I wanna sleep.

[wiseoldbartender]

[ He would expect nothing less from his dear buddy Zevran. ]

I don't want to fuckin' party with anyone! It's not ME, it's this tiny bitch ass cat. Look at it! I want to sleep too, Smartass!!

video; un: lightkeeper

[lanternae]

[Likewise, the feed opens up to Flins sitting at his desk with his reports open, Casimir dutifully on the table next to him. Compelled by the little cat on the screen, he picks up his own (giant in comparison) cat and scritches at his ears.]

Ah, I've heard of these things before.


I believe they're called party animals. They can be dealt with by...one moment.

[He gets up, Casimir climbing to his shoulder to grab a book labeled Introverts and Extroverts, thumbing open to a page and pointing to it.] 'Setting firm boundaries, communicating your needs clearly, and managing your own social energy.'

[The book snaps shut as he smiles towards the screen.]




'Party' to you too, my friend.

[clawsomeproprietress]

Well I get that, but I mean let’s use another example for context. Has Flins ever woken you up at an ungodly hour for something? If so does he let you sleep if he doesn’t get what he wants? Basically treat the cat with fae logic.

[mmmleather]

Oh.

That is disappointing.

[There’s a long pause. Either groggy thought process is happening or he went back to bed-]

Give it some of that. What is it… cat poison. But the fun kind.

Cat intoxicants.

The green herbs.

[Catnip. He means catnip.]

[wiseoldbartender]

[ Husk gives Casimir a stink eye, as per normal process, before turning his attention back to his partner. ]

...I never thought a party animal would be a literal thing. Thanks for being as weird as fuckin' always, Kaisou.

[He's not convinced about this route, but he can give it a try, he supposes. He heaves out a sigh.]

Already been telling this little shitbird that, but okay. [He looks the cat dead in the eye. ]

I don't want to party with you. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. Because I am an old fucking man and don't want to be partying with a shitty weird cat at two thirty in the morning.

[ The cat stares at him with its beady, little eyes. ]

Party.

YOU LITTLE FUCKASS!!!!! NO!! Kyryll, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it!!!

[wiseoldbartender]

Yes. He wakes me up all the fuckin' time for all sorts of bullshit. He literally just teleports into my bed. He does that at least three times a week.

I usually have to tell him about four, five times and then he gets the message and sleeps. Or ignores me until I give him attention. Could go either way.

I don't want to party though. It's so fuckin' late. You think it'll work if I half-ass it?

[wiseoldbartender]

[Honestly could go either way. Husk has flopped back into his bed at the pause. Not that it stops the cat, which is now crawling around his head. Husk's ear flicks as he hears Zevran return. ]

...Catnip?

[There's a long pause here. ]

I mean... fuck, I guess that does count as partying, right?

[lanternae]

["The Neanderthal wishes to simply kill it, Sir Flins. Typical."

Casimir's thoughts are given in a single 'Meow' as he settles on Flins shoulders, the Lightkeeper smiling and holding up a hand to calm his beloved on the other end of the screen.]

Now, now, I am sure there's no need to go to such extremes.

Let's think about how I would solve this problem. Essentially, think like a fae. It requests a party, but it did not specify which kind it wanted. Therefore, the form the 'party' takes is up to you.

Why not have a slumber party? A party which the end result is a good night's sleep. Casimir and I could join, and fulfill the criteria.

[clawsomeproprietress]

Remember fae logic, so probably not. So hope you don’t got work in the morning because I have a feeling it wants actual effort put in. But you got this I believe in you. :3c

[mmmleather]

[He mumbles something. Several times. And then realizes he should pick his head up to speak.]

Yes, yes. That. Fun for cats, no?

[Makes sense to him.]

And it can have the party on its own. Unless... you also like the - the cat nip.

[wiseoldbartender]

Uggggggh, as if I don't have enough of that in my life already.

[Isn't it bad enough that the love of his life keeps bringing fae nonsense to his life? He feels that's more than enough fae nonsense for one man to live with! ]

I'm good at dealing with fae bullshit. I reckon I can pull it off. I'm gonna get a glowstick and throw it at the fucker.

[wiseoldbartender]

Why are you asking me like I'd know?

[Husk. Husk why do you think? ]

What? No, of course I don't. I'm a fuckin' person! I ain't a cat. [ Questionable. ] I don't even know where the fuck you can get cat nip at two thirty in the morning. Does doordash do it?

[clawsomeproprietress]

Oooo, sounds fun. Report back if the cat starts emitting techno music after it obtains the glow stick.

[wiseoldbartender]

[He knows the cat is talking shit about him. He knows. ]

Well, if there's one thing I'm used to, it's understanding how fae think. You gave me a real jump start on that one, Baby.

[Despite his grousing, his tone is fond. He complains about it, but only the way way he complains about everything. He loves having the fae disruption in his life.

But this? This is something he hadn't even thought of, and he stares for a moment as he ponders this galaxy brain move by his partner. ]

...Holy shit, you're right. That is a party. Yeah! Fuck, I'll even take the salty bitch cat if it helps make this one go away.

[lanternae]

I have my moments.

[He chuckles, as the pieces start to align in Husk's head.]

We can indulge over a quick game of cards,have a quick toast with some hot cocoa, and then go right to bed. Casimir can take the cat on a scavenger hunt.

[The noise Casimir makes needs to be studied. Since when was HE the cat babysitter? Ah well...]

[mmmleather]

... Is that a serious question?

[Seriously, Husk.]

Mmhm. Very well. [It's 2:30 and he'd finally fallen asleep, he's not going to argue here.] Surely there is a shop, somewhere. Use the... google.

[wiseoldbartender]

...Wait what.


Do you think that's possible?

[wiseoldbartender]

Hmmmm, that you do. Sometimes more than a few, too. On a good day.

[ Eat shit Casimir, this is what you get for being a twatwaffle! ]

You know what, Baby. That sounds like a great idea. He can keep the little fuzzy idiot engaged - we got enough people for a "party" we get to sleep after. Everyone wins.

[ Except for Casimir - but that means Husk wins. ]

[wiseoldbartender]

I mean, shit yeah no kidding use google. But who the fuck brings catnip at this time of night?

[He's pulling his reading glasses out, he's resting them on his nose, he's stabbing at his screen. Is he doing it right? No. No he is not. (8)]

...See? There's fuckin' nothing going at this time of night.

[mmmleather]

There are shops open at all hours... I have seen them.

[Husk what are you doing. How is he better at google than you are.]

Are you sure you are using the google right?

[wiseoldbartender]

YEAH I've seen them too, but I can't find them on this fuckin' machine.

[ Because he has the worst possible luck with technology. He has the most terrifying thing known to man or beast: The Boomer Curse. ]

Yes I'm using fuckin' google right! There just ain't open stores with their shit on google at this time of night!

[mmmleather]

How do you not find them? They are right there.

[How does the fantasy elf know how to do this better than you, Husk.]

I am looking at several right now, in fact.

[wiseoldbartender]

[ Is it time to yell? It feels like it's time to yell!! ]

No?? There's nothing fuckin' here. Where are you seeing them? Are you sure you're looking at open NOW???

[Yes, Husk, yes he is. ]

[mmmleather]

I am looking at a shop for pets. It - it says it is open "twenty-four hours". Right there.

[How are you not seeing this, Husk??]

I think you have broken the google.

[wiseoldbartender]

Fucking WHERE, Zev? Where does it say this? I ain't seeing shit.

[This is the worst, why is the elf who hasn't even been in this world a damn year able to do this?]

I didn't break shit!

[ He broke all the shit. ]

[mmmleather]

Right there! It - "Fur de Leash - Pet Shop, now open twenty-four hours". How are you not seeing this?

[Because the fantasy elf really likes the internet. There are so many dirty things on it.]

Then try to type that name I sent to you.

[wiseoldbartender]

[He's putting it in, muttering to himself as he does so.

He gets a 504 error. ]

FUCK!!!

That doesn't fuckin' work. Shit. Can you order me it? To come to my house? Seen as it works for you for some fuckin' reason.

[mmmleather]

[Just. The biggest sigh.]

Fine, fine. Give me the address. It is the same as ordering alcohol...

I would think.

[wiseoldbartender]

They don't doordash booze, Zevran.

...I don't think. I mean, shit, I never did it that way anyway.

[ He always just went off and got drunk the old fashioned way. Sad and alone at a bar! Still, he'll attach his address. ]

Thanks. Dunno why it's not working for me, that's some bullshit.

[mmmleather]

Oh yes, they do. Nothing terribly fine, but they do.

Or perhaps I am simply special, and they do it just to see my handsome face. Hm. One wonders.

[No they don't.]

It is nothing. Though, it is funny I know these things better than you.

[wiseoldbartender]

Why? Do you tell they you got a nice face or something? Give them a picture with a hint of chin to make them want more?

[ He's going to bite you. He's going to bite you. ]

Look, it ain't my fault I got a stupid fuckin' high tech phone that don't make any sense! I can't work this shit.

[mmmleather]

They do indeed. I have a very handsome face indeed.

[He will bite you back!! ... Significantly less effective, but still.]

Do you not have children? Can they not teach you?