[Action] Every loss is harder to excuse

[droptheious]

WHO: Varian and anyone in the lower levels of Meropide
WHERE: His workshop/production area in the Fortress of Meropide
WHEN: A week+ into the kidnapping, nebulous timey wimey
WHAT: The continued Bad Time that everyone is having
WARNINGS: Probable talk of torture but no specifics!



[ Varian's stress levels have been at a high since Jun, Haru and the others were taken. With each passing day that they remain kidnapped, his stress raises ever the more. It was part way through that first week that Varian started getting wellness check pings back from Jun when he checked. He still couldn't find his partner's location, but at least with this he knew he was alive. It was a small comfort- it was still bad, but he knew they still had time.

...Right until it stopped being that. As the week wore on and started to turn into the second week, Jun's wellness pings kept coming back worse and worse. He's been working in his lab, getting the Gardemeks and any weapons he wants to use up to snuff, as ready to move out as he can get them. But it's while he's doing that, that the worst of his wellness checks comes back.

He lets out a soft, distressed cry, clutching his hand with his engagement ring on with the other, and pulling it close to his chest - as if he can provide comfort to the person wearing the one the ring was linked to by doing so. It doesn't work like that, and he knows it, but it's the only comfort he can give. He stays there for a moment, wide-eyed, looking beyond horrified- and then he snaps himself out of it and starts to move.

He gets to the closest line of Gardemeks, starting them up - his brow furrowed, his lips a thin, angry line. There are people watching him, he knows that. He can't get away from them if he tried, so he will at least give them an explanation. ]

They're killing him. He's- [ his breath catches in a sob, before he tamps it down, his hands shaking, back to getting the robots online ] he's dying. I'm not waiting anymore. We don't have time to wait anymore.

[He's barely holding on with spit and determination, but he needs to have action now. He is not willing to let Jun die while they were trying to find the place they were being held. He might not even be in the city, Varian knows this, but he doesn't care. Because if he misses the chance to save them and Jun ends up gone, he will never forgive himself.

(And the whole fucking place can burn for it, that nasty, dark part of himself he's worked so hard to get distance from tells him). He takes a deep breath, focusing on the robots. ]

I- I've held back, like you asked. But I'm done. I'm not letting them kill him.

Comments

[mediocrites]

[Ratio has known all along that they were going to hit a breaking point. He's been keeping Varian focused as much as possible, making sure he eats and sleeps and bathes when necessary, but the days are dragging on and even he's getting anxious and frustrated with passing hours. And he isn't wearing a ring tied to one of the experimental subjects' well-being.

He's going to try to do this gently first, because he does understand, and he doesn't want to force Varian if he doesn't have to. So he starts with laying a hand on the younger man's shoulder and speaking quietly.]

I know how desperate you are to stop this. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would be no more composed. But the fact is that there's no point to going out there without a plan or a direction. You'll only end up hurting people to no purpose.

[droptheious]

[ This was always inevitable. Varian has held himself back at Ratio's request for longer than he expected. Because he knows what the result is if he lets his worst habits take over. He's spent years trying to unlearn the easy slide to violence that lives in his chest. Trying to lean harder into his compassion instead - an emotion that was both fulled and an absolute opposite of it.

He doesn't want to be that person again. Not truly. He hates the person he became in his darkest moments back in Corona. What his pain pushed him to. He's tried to remind himself time and time again to stay on the path of light. That stepping back into the darkness would do no good for anyone, much less himself.

But this is too much. He's felt Jun dying once before, during Jumanji, after he took a bullet to the heart. That had torn into him in an agony he never wanted to experience again. But here he is, feeling it all over again. And it makes remembering to stick to the light so, so much harder when the darkness has at least a sliver of a chance in stopping this.

When Ratio's hand finds his shoulder, the muscle there is tense, like a coiled spring. ]

There's no point sitting here and waiting, either. [ It's gritted out, his hand clenching.] I won't just- I can't just stay here, feeling him die. I won't.

[He looks at the robots again, brow still furrowed and determined. ]

I don't want to hurt innocent people. But I'm not going to wait for him to die.

[mediocrites]

And what exactly do you plan to do?

[His tone is getting a little sharper now, the hand squeezing in warning.]

Describe to me the sequence of events that follows from you taking those robots out of the Fortress right now. In detail.

[He hates this. He hates the situation they're in, he hates having to hold Varian back and insist that he endure. But letting him do whatever he intends will be worse.]

[droptheious]

Whatever it takes!

[ Varian tries to pull himself out from under Ratio's hand, he's stronger than he looks, thanks to the werewoflism. Anger is properly boiling over now, his short form tense and ready. He points at the robots. ]

We know how many people have been taken. I can have them seek out heat signatures - find buildings with enough people in there to be worth investigating. I know it's casting a wide net because this is a city - but it has to be better than just doing - doing nothing while they're being killed. Because if they've made Jun this bad, can you imagine what they're doing to the people without his power? We can't just sit here twiddling our thumbs anymore!

[mediocrites]

[Varian is strong enough to break his grip, especially because Ratio isn't actually trying that hard to physically hold him. He has better ways, and so the moment Varian takes a step toward the robots, he's getting telekinetically levitated a couple feet into the air. Ratio crosses his arms and looks up to meet Varian's eyes - not very far up, since Ratio is an entire foot taller than him under normal circumstances.]

That answer is worth zero points.

[He shakes his head, eyes narrowing with disappointment, and now his tone is sharp as he lays out a full explanation:]

Since you're obviously not thinking clearly enough for this assignment, let me break down for you what will actually happen. You give these robots that order and send them through the city to look. They start breaking down doors and walls on any building with, what, a dozen or more people inside? Some buildings with poor integrity collapse, causing deaths and injuries. Authorities are called, and I can't begin to guess what they'll decide to believe about what they find, but they'll certainly go looking for the culprit. If they don't catch up to you, the Black Order will: and then at best you will end up alone in a cell somewhere, with that ring still on your finger communicating the same things it is now.

[He is still kind enough not to say 'again' where other people might hear it.]

[droptheious]

[ Varian lets out a surprised sound as he's picked up in the air, his limbs flailing as he tries to escape. ]

Hey!! Let me go!

[He does start to stop struggling when Ratio pulls that comment on him. Varian isn't so far gone that the thought of a failing grade won't give him pause. Honestly laughable, given everything that's going on, given the sheer weight of the terror he's feeling for Jun and Haru - but it because it's something so important to Varian when he's not in survival mode that it's enough to pull him out of it now.

He wriggles a big more in the air, before stilling. Letting Ratio's words rest on him like a weight. He knows the man is stating the honest truth. He's set a robot army on people before, he's seen the devastation it can cause. He doesn't need much imagination to picture what his professor is describing, he remembers it first hand already. Back then, he was lashing out at the people who came to get him first - aimed to attack him for taking the Queen. And he didn't much care who he hurt with them.

...Or that's what he told himself. Because he did care. He was just blindly attacking, full of rage and hurt and not thinking or listening anymore. He'd been completely alone. He didn't get anyone to pull him out of the dark again for a full year, after all the hate had turned inward anyway. It's different this time. He has people to pull him back- and now he's actually listening, he understands that's what Ratio is doing for him now.

It's not even the thought of being imprisoned again that really gets to him. Because truth be told, on his worst days - when his self-loathing latches on and bites down hard - he sometimes thinks it would have been better if he'd have just been left there to rot. That comes back in a flood now, because here he is, again, letting his pain and anger get the better of him and turning himself into a threat against a city that's become his home. He's come a long way from that cornered, hurt fourteen-year-old attacking the world because it attacked him first. But right at this very moment, he doesn't feel like he has at all.

The fight leeches out of him immediately, his limbs slackening as he lets himself just... dangle there. He's quiet for a moment, silently berating himself for this moment of weakness. Of thinking the lives of innocent people mattered less than his need to get his loved ones home. The pressing fear of Jun dying is still there, and he honestly doesn't know what he'll do if that does happen. Perhaps he's just not as good a man as his fiancee believes. ]

I don't want that. [ It's said quietly, numbly. ] I don't want innocent people to get hurt I just- you're right. I'm not thinking. I'm letting it all get the better of me and that's... I can't let myself do that. Not again.

[He can't be that again. He doesn't know if he can come back from it a second time. ]

I'm sorry. [His voice wavers, he takes a deep breath, swallows it down. ] I'm just so scared and I don't- I don't want him to die. I love him so much, and I don't- I can't let him die.

[ Because he's pretty sure a part of him will die with him. He stares sat the ground a little longer. ]

...I think I should be kept away from here for a while. [ He gestures at the robots.] From all these. I don't trust myself. And I don't... I don't want innocent people to be hurt because I can't keep my head on straight. I can't let myself do that.

[mediocrites]

[It hurts to see the blow land, even as much as he knows it was necessary. He had to keep Varian from hurting himself, hurting other people, possibly ruining the relationship that means so much to him. It still hurts to see him look so small and broken.

With the fight gone out of him, Ratio will lower Varian gently back down to the ground, and put an arm and a wing around his shoulders comfortingly.]

You need a proper rest away from all of this, if you're to be at full capacity for anything at all. Let's get you some food and sleep to start with - I know that despite my best efforts, you haven't really been getting enough of either. When your body is worn out, your mind doesn't operate as well, either.

[droptheious]

[ It was an extremely necessary blow. Varian was not in the right mental state to pull himself back from something he'd regret. He needed someone else to do it, and Ratio was exactly the right person at this moment in time.

Varian feels his feel on the ground, he feels the arm and wing move around his shoulders. He doesn't lean into it, instead he continues to stare at the ground. He doesn't deserve the comfort. Not after what he almost did. But he relents. He knows he needs to get away from the lab. He doesn't have an appetite, and he's not sure if he can sleep - what if Jun dies while he's sleeping? The wellness check makes it very clear that his partner is getting ever closer to...

He makes a sad noise in the back of his throat.]

I'll try. I don't know if I can. I don't- I don't want anything to happen when I'm resting.

[ He can't do anything about it even if it did, but the thought of Jun dying while he was resting and unaware makes despair press in. His shoulders sag a little.]

Thank you. For helping me. Talking sense into me. I- I don't think I deserve it, but... thanks, all the same.

[mediocrites]

Anything will help. Even just lying down and closing your eyes is better than staying alert and busy.

[He's walking Varian toward the elevator up from the production floor as he contemplates how to respond to the rest.]

Care is not something you earn. It isn't something you come to deserve because you've done the right tasks or met the right thresholds. ...It's a connection formed between people, for any number of reasons. And if today I can use that bond to hold you steady in a time of need, then it's because we've both worked to reach that point.

[He squeezes Varian's shoulders just a little.]

As a mentor, I'm grateful for your trust.

[droptheious]

...I guess so. I don't know if I can get my brain to shut off, but...yeah. That's a good point.

[ He follows, his arms hugging around himself. He looks so much smaller than usual, more drawn. The last week or so have been clearly pushing him beyond the limits, and this last turn has sapped him of his energy. Taken the light out of his eyes.

He listens to what Ratio has to say - forces himself to pay attention- because he knows it's the truth, no matter how his brain is trying to convince himself otherwise right now. This was a slip, but not a complete backstep- Ratio saw to that. He needs to remind himself of that. When his shoulder is squeezed, this time he doesn't pull away. ]

I don't trust a lot of people. [ An obvious statement for anyone who's spent any time with him. ] ...But I trust you.

[He lets out a slow, shaky breath as they get to the elevator. ]

I'm sorry. I just... got really freaked out. I'm so scared I'm gonna lose him. I know what he's like. He'll- he'll do whatever it takes to save everyone else. Especially Harumasa. And he's already in such a bad state.

[ He knows Jun only too well. He knows his partner will forfeit his own life if he doesn't see any other option- and given what his wellbeing checks are telling him, he may be running out of options. Varian doesn't want the others to be harmed either, but the knowledge that such a thing may come at the cost of his fiancee's life feels deeply unfair. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes as he waits for the elevator to make its slow ascent to the living quarters. ]

I'll... I'll try to let you. Other people take care of me. I'm just... not feeling like I want it so much right now. There's only one thing I want and I can't get it.

[mediocrites]

I know. I can't blame you in the slightest for that. And I won't make false promises, but we are doing everything possible, sparing no effort, to enact this rescue.

[He lets silence fall for a moment as the elevator arrives, setting them loose near the cafeteria.]

Even if you have no appetite, at least try to eat a little bit. If you let your body get too run down, it really will affect your mind in turn. Think of a machine forced to run too long on minimal refueling, and the extra maintenance it would need.

[droptheious]

I really appreciate that. The... the lack of false promises. I'd rather have reality than have promises no one can keep. [ Because oh boy does he not cope well with broken promises!] I know... I do know everyone is trying so hard. I'm just. I'm just scared we'll be too late.

[ The logic around eating was welcome, and not the first time someone's used it on him. ]

Anby says the same thing. She's Jun and Haru's sister. She and Miyabi been staying in Haru's room, trying to make sure I eat. I guess you could say it's a concentrated group effort. [ One that is very much needed. He is not in the right mind to take care of himself - it needs to go to external forces. ]

But yeah. I know. I'm trying to remember that, but as I don't want to, I know it's not really... it's not really an option.

[ He's still gotta eat! ]

[poisontippedcure]

[It's been a rough few days.]

[Rose can't understand what Varian is going through, she can't even pretend to try. But she has a wellness checker of her own, and every so often she pops it on. The results have been...worrying, to say the least.]

[But Veldora is a dragon.]

[He'll be fine.]

[He'll be fine, right?]

I've felt the same from Veldora, too. I don't want to wait, either.

But we don't even know where they are.

[droptheious]

[It's been a horrific week and Varian's at the end of his extremely frayed rope. Getting the wellness check that confirmed how badly his partner is doing is the last straw for him.

So he gestures desperately at his robots. ]

I put heat seekers in them. We know how many people we're looking for, it's - it's got to be one way of finding them, right? If I wait any longer, I won't have a finacee to bring home.