kaisou | text; un: neoteric

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text; un: neoteric

WHO: Maxima and anyone
WHERE: Network - Gemini
WHEN: May 29th, sometime between midnight and dawn
WHAT: Unpacking decades of living in the closet
WARNINGS: Discussion of homophobia and the perils of growing up in an authoritarian empire

Pride month... I missed it last year, having arrived in July. I'm not sure if that was for the best, or if I'd have understood more things sooner if I'd witnessed it.

When I came here, it was strange to live among people who were so open about something that had been a shameful and ruinous secret for my entire life. I felt...adrift, surrounded by those living in a freedom that I hadn't dared to dream of for so long. Perhaps even a little resentful of the ease that everyone seemed to take for granted.

But reading about the history of this upcoming celebration...it's harder-won than it seems from the day-to-day attitudes of the people here, isn't it? Still fresh enough to revel in the defiance of it.

Are there any others here from places that were less welcoming? Sometimes I feel like the only one.

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[Jun normally doesn't speak of his own situation, normally letting people draw whatever conclusions they'd like about him. But well... seeing Maxima post this so late at night, he imagines the guy might be looking for company. ]

You're not.

It's not quite a place. But while the local parish tends to be more accepting, the Catholic Church isn't well known for its warm embrace of gay people.

[A fact and irony he's painfully aware of, considering his connection with the Lord]

I've heard that, in passing, but I must admit I found it strange. Coming from a place that was so adamantly against any sort of religion, for many years I'd assumed that a culture that embraced it would be the opposite of ours in other ways as well. "The faithful glorify the weak to keep the strong from overthrowing them" is what we were taught to believe. And of course this applies not just to physical strength but whatever other factors might make a person less valuable to society.

[He's long-since realized, even before coming here, that nothing is actually that simple, but each idea still has to be unraveled one by one.]

That's because whether they believe in a god or not, people are still people. So similar ideas and fallacies are going to appear, even if on the surface you'd think the two groups would be complete opposites.

At the end of the day, there are people who want to feel superior, so they target those different from them - making up excuses to justify it. It's purely an act of man- the gods have nothing to do with it.

It really is the same, in the end. It wasn't any god we worshipped, but the concept of "rationality", as personified by the Emperor, who was of course the greatest of us by virtue of having risen to the top of society.

[that didn't end well, in a world where any sort of worship (whether it's called that or not) can result in summoning the target of worship as a protector in times of strife]

And rationality was the excuse that was used, to bully and target anyone who was out of line, not contributing enough to the glory of the Empire and the conquest that was our right. ...Most people will simply do as they're told, in the long run, whatever that may be.

[...]

... Mm. That sounds pretty irrational to me.

[That's all he'll really say about that. He has more thoughts about it, but he doesn't want to kick a man when he's already down. ]

That said, I think I understand where the source of confusion is coming from. You come from a culture where conformity and complete obedience was seen as the ideal and celebrated. So when you see all of us being open and loud about our sexuality, you assume we do so because we're allowed.

But you see, that's where Earthlings truly differ from Garleans. On Earth, while there are always those who will try to control people and make them conform - we cannot help but celebrate those who refuse. The ones who fights for freedom, who openly defies those in power, the ones who rather give their lives than conform... we can't help but admire them, celebrate them, and in some cases- take up their cause and carry it forward.

The ones who partake in Pride are following that tradition. We celebrate because there are still those who don't want us to. They'd rather we hide away in shame, so instead we come out in pride.

[That being said]

Anyway, you should check out the musical Les Misérables. It's not about the lgbtaq+, but it's relevant and I think you'd like it.

I'd go with concert recordings though, if you can find them. They made a movie out of it, but... it's not the best first experience.

Oh, it certainly was irrational. Hypocrisy from the highest levels on downward, that too many people were too comfortable to examine.

[He's perfectly fine with making this admission; if anything, it sounds like a talking point he's used to pulling out.]

...That difference isn't as fundamental as you think. We weren't always this way, nor will we always be...indeed, celebrating defiance is in some degree how we began down this path. Our people saw themselves as finally learning to thrive in spite of those who would have seen us freeze and starve in the hostile lands they'd driven us to. We followed and idealized the man who led us to bolder and greater triumphs, willing to fight and die for him without question because he'd given us the better life others had tried to deny us. ...But spite turned to vengeance, and the pursuit of ever greater power required us to have still more enemies to defy. So we started making them up, both internal and external.

[A struggling, starving republic had been a perfectly primed and vulnerable target for someone with bad intentions to turn into a monstrous empire.]

We lost sight of the idea of freedom for all, or perhaps we never believed that freedom for the majority could be possible without sacrificing some others.

...And for what little it's worth, I say 'we' because I make a habit of taking responsibility for my people's misdeeds, as a beneficiary of them. But I, for one, was brought up to believe otherwise. That the Empire's philosophy was short-sighted and doomed to eventual destruction if it couldn't learn to expand its ways of thinking and be more generous to all.

[Getting proved right was expensive in every way imaginable.]

...I am rather fond of musicals. I'll look into the recommendation, then.

For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, Maxima.

You deserve somebody as wonderful as you are.

Thank you, Rose. I rather hope...here, at least, for a little while, that might be possible.

[Venti happens to be awake! Not because he wants to be, but because he has to be thanks to the fey's "gift" a couple years ago now.

Late night reflections seems as good of a distraction as any. Especially if it helps someone.]

Honestly, it's hard to remember a time in my long life where someone like me wasn't unwelcome. A lot of things changed when the Christian churches got established. Some for the better, and some for the worse.

But no matter the names I've had over the years, historians were still able to see glimpses of the real me! Shakespeare's sexuality and Merlin's gender, for instance. Some will still debate those, sure, but debates don't change the truth about who I am. Or who I was.

It's still a fight, though. Things are a lot better now than what they used to be, and that's because of all the brave people who have been fighting the good fight in large and small ways.

[It takes Maxima a bit to respond, because first he has to do a bit of Googling. In a moment that's probably fortunate for his mental state, he doesn't know about either Shakespeare (4) or Merlin (7), and a quick skim of their Wikipedia pages doesn't really manage to impress upon him just how deep the cultural relevance goes.]

We've always been present somewhere. Historians where I came from would never acknowledge such things openly, but...those of us who are able to find our own small pockets of community, they tell different stories there, versions no one writes down. Some of them are made up out of enthusiasm, but many have been passed down through word of mouth for...who knows how long. We try to remember, because no one else will.

Knowing that that fight has happened here, and is still happening...makes the state of things more heartening. We can see this sort of progress too, one day.

[Why is Yusuke up this late/early? He's an artist, don't ask questions.]

I know it isn't the same, but you're not alone in that confusing feeling, Maxima. The country I grew up in wasn't nearly as open this one. I didn't care, I've always been a private person and not one who cares about other's opinions, but it was a little surprising to attend university here.

[Maxima knows well enough by now not to second-guess Yusuke's schedule. Unless otherwise noted, that's Takame's problem to deal with.]

It takes some adjusting, doesn't it? I'm so used to keeping quiet about my own preferences and any others I knew, as a matter of safety, that even when it became clear there was no need to, I wasn't sure what to say. The entire structure for how conversations are meant to take place is completely altered.

It does. [He knows the situation in Japan is nothing like whatever Maxima came from, but he is Takame's friend. He wants to try and help and remind Maxima that he isn't entirely alone here.] It helps a little, I think, that you don't really have to say anything if you don't want to. But then you want to and you're not sure how.

[Which is a problem for Yusuke in general, sometimes, but especially when he first came stateside.]

Yes...the relaxed culture that lets people do as they please means that no one has to speak up or justify what they do or don't do. So no one asks, and to offer it up like a confession would seem out of place. I'm still learning to navigate it.

If you ever figure out how, please let the rest of us know.

But you aren't alone, Maxima. I am not the best at explaining things, but you aren't alone.

[He reads up a little--ah.]

Jun suggested Les Miserables (and I have one of the concert versions, if you'd like to watch it), but I would also recommend La Cage aux Folles or The Birdcage. One is a musical (or at least the best version is, in my opinion), the other a 90s film based on it. I was talked into being one of the leads for La Cage in university for a friend's amateur performance, actually. She didn't know any other baritones.

[And playing Albin certainly changed Yusuke, clearly.]

I'll look into that, thank you. I admit that with the sheer amount of fiction available in this world, sorting through it all sometimes feels like a full-time occupation in and of itself. I'm always happy to accept recommendations from those whose taste I can trust.

The time I'm from? There's not even words for all the different sexualites there are. I mean... there are, but they're generally not good ones. And pride is absolutely never gonna happen. It's something you just didn't talk about. When I had my first pride here, I had to ask August what it meant.

The history of it is fascinating! It was very much hard won and definitely not perfect. But it's miles away from what I grew up with. It's nice to feel able to be with the man I love just out in the open. It feels good to not have to keep who I am quiet, you know?

...Yes, I know what you mean. The language we have is very...individual, developed in small groups of those who manage to find one another, or else carefully coded to hide in plain sight. The open discussion, the countless possible identities to claim...it's very different from what I'm used to.

After I left the Empire's borders for the first time and learned that things weren't exactly the same in the rest of the world, I imagined it might be possible to live quietly in a place where people would mind their own business. Celebrating so brazenly is something I'm still adjusting to at times.

Yeah, I can understand that only too well. It... took a while to understand it all. But I had a lot of help, and honestly as different as it is? It's really nice. Comforting.

[ To be comfortable in his own skin. ]

Yeah, it's really nice to be able to just... live your life and be open and happy about it. I could never have dreamed about getting married to Jun in my old world- there wouldn't have been a chance at all. And now? We get to celebrate who we are, and I love that. We're really looking forward to our first pride together.

I'm truly happy for the both of you. I hope you have many years of happiness and freedom together here.

Hah, thanks Maxima. If nothing else, we're lucky enough to have extended lifespans so the one thing we have plenty of together is time. I'm sure we'll be very happy during all of that. He makes me very happy, and I try my best to do the same for him.

Oh Sweetheart!!! You've been on a JOURNEY!!!

I was super lucky! I grew up in a part of the country where it's accepted a lot more than a lot of the other parts. I never had to be like, worried about coming out or anything. Hollywood is just Like That. But I know that is nooot always the norm, which is why pride is SO important!

We have to stand loud and proud and tell people we are NOT going anywhere! That we'll spread our glitter all OVER the damn place and there's nothing they can do about it. That we're not gonna let them make us feel small! That's what pride is ALL about!

And I am so proud of YOU, Sweetie!! If you're able to see who you really are and let yourself be that! That you let yourself be free!! You know, if you wanna do any more research, I have SO many books and movies you can take a look at. I am a connoisseur

More than you know, Zulius.

I knew people like you at home, too. People who would push the boundaries of what was allowed to be said, who would be as visible as they possibly could despite our circumstances, so that they could welcome in anyone who recognized a kindred spirit. Do you know, in my native language the word we use among ourselves to mean "queer" literally translates as "theatrical".

[It's why he zeroed in on the Vogue as somewhere safe to relax almost immediately.]

You're a vital part of community as I've long understood it. Never change, please.

OMG for REALsies? I love that! It's SO true, I AM so theatrical! It's, like, the CORE of my very being!!! I love it! And I LOVE being proud of who I am, and I love it even MORE when my friends are proud of who THEY are! They gotta live their lives as loud as they want, and no one can ever tell them to quiet down!

[Which is exactly why the Vogue is a safe place to be. Everyone is allowed to be unapologetically themselves there, Zulius wouldn't want it any other way. ]

You are right!!! I AM! This city would fall APART without me! Don't you worry, Babe, I'm never gonna change!

I thought you'd enjoy that. Opera is a long-standing tradition with my people, and performing arts have always provided a cover for those who are out of step with the rest of society.

OMG honestly the PERFECT cover up! It's like hiding in plain sight. That's beautiful!!

[You know, Lighter knowing what he did about Maxima's home world sure made the sting for this extra spicy.

But well, it'd be a lie to say he hasn't been there.]

Some places are more open-minded than others. I've been all around the country which means I've gotten all sorts of dirty looks for having a pride flag hanging off my ride. And with the way I grew up if I said anything about being gay I ran the risk of being whisked off to a third family of the month and hope they weren't neck deep in out of context verses.

It's more common than you think seeing pride on TV in a big city and thinking "Wow, that must be nice".

But then you get to living in it yourself and you learn you gotta be just as loud for the people watching. That's part of the ongoing fight.

[...Well, that. Openly answers one question he'd had after their last conversation, without the careful dancing-around he'd anticipated needing to do. How convenient.]

That does make sense. I was fortunate enough to grow up in the capital, where there were places for people to gather and meet; we often had others come in from more rural areas who had never been around like-minded people before.

It wasn't a fight we were ready to take into the open back there, back then. I had other things I was fighting for first. But one sort of progressive sentiment tends to accommodate others as well, and so I was always grateful for the people who were keeping those places warm and lit, welcoming to whoever could feel comfortable there.

Sounds like some places in this world. Even in cities that are far from accepting, you'll find pockets of like-minded folks.

Makes sense. It's unfortunate but you have to sort the things you want to fight for into "priorities". Keeping your life at the top. Keeping other people's lives as a leader. Without people to remind you, it's easy to let fighting for the right to be yourself fall by the wayside.

It's the ones keeping those safe spaces the way they are, knowing their regulars and learning about their newcomers, that reminds a person to not remove themselves from the list.

[Lighter was speaking from experience. He wasn't out loudly and proudly until Kinich hooked him up with his old group. And that was thanks to his friends. Before that point he kept his mouth shut about it and much like Maxima only tended towards private spaces and thought about making one himself.]

...When you put it like that...

The truth is, when I became more visible in my work, I stopped going to those places as often. There were eyes on me, and I didn't want to draw that attention to others who were looking for safety. My personal life...wasn't as important as the work we were doing.

[He's given up a lot for the cause over the years, and never kept a tally of how much. He was going to die for it sooner or later anyway, or so he'd thought at the time.]

And from what I could pick up on from that place, it probably had the sharpest eyes on anyone that wanted to throw a wrench into the upper crest.

You've got the freedom to be whoever you are, now. And that work on yourself should be at the start of your list for once. Luckily I and everyone else who's got this app will be around to remind you to keep that work on yourself going.

[Like Lighter had his old group. Had.]

Looks like you're getting some good recommendations for movies and shows up above. I'd give Random Play a look whenever you can, the Manager there's a good friend of mine and she's got the most knowledge about movies around. Queer, straight, anything in-between she'll help you out. You might even find me around there.

[Belle he's promoting the store without challenging someone to a fight be proud of him!!!]

I see! Having a curated collection and someone knowledgeable to walk me through it does sound more agreeable than doing the sifting myself. The amount of options online can be a little overwhelming at times.

[He doesn't need the possibility of meeting Lighter there as an additional incentive, but if he's honest with himself it doesn't hurt.]

I'll have to make some time to stop by and speak with her.

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