text: UN:idontcare

[jaxoff]

[A new day, another new soul brought onto the Zodiac app whether they like it or not. UN:idontcare is online flashes up as the fresh meat checks out what has appeared on his phone.]

Oh, fk no.

[Great start to a new person on the app. What's with the censor bar? Who knows! There's no more text for a while, but within five minutes of the comment, a link appears: CLICK ME: I'M A PRESENT.. Go on. Click it. It's a present.

UN:idontcare is online/offline keeps flashing up. Sometimes some code appears on the screen, only to vanish again. It's as if someone is doing their level fucking best to get this app off their phone. After about an hour, he relents.]

Fine, whatever. I'll keep the stupid app. Who knows, maybe I'll get some kicks watching you freaks up close. Seen as I'm stuck here, how about I give you a traditional Zodiac Employee hello:



Don't clamour all at once, I know you're DYING to answer this one :)

Comments

text | un: shinope

[killerapp]

oh fuck no fuck you

text, un: greyhunt

[faenthras]

Having a spot of trouble there, darling?

text; un: photocutie

[trailblazingspirit]

Hey! It's the grumpy guy who makes half the official Zodiac posts!

[jaxoff]

[Give him a minute to place you, Yuuki. This could be a response from literally anyone ever.]

...

Heeeeeeey, I know you! You're the troutsniffer that tried to hack into Zodiac. Thanks for getting me a permanent job, Chuckles. Tell me, enquiring minds have gotta know: does everybody wanna be a cat?

text; allin; private

[neverchanged]

[Aventurine does the nice thing and actually sends him a DM with a link to Gemini, the open source and non shitty equivalent.]

The city people came together and said "screw this noise" and made their own app, by the way

You might want this so you can talk somewhere without the possibility of SPERM reading everything

[killerapp]

jokes on you asshole i am living my best life

[And blocked!]

[jaxoff]

What can I say? It always finds me. It's magical, really.

[jaxoff]

...

You know what? Sure. I'm Jarry. You got me! My life is a perpetual cycle of misery because I stood in for Janet once and everyone formed a parasocial bond with me against my wishes.

[faenthras]

Pretty sure that isn't something to be proud of, but I can't really judge.

private

[jaxoff]

[ You know, normally Jax wouldn't trust random links to anything from most people. But he LIKES Aven... as much as a close approximation of "liking" another person Jax can muster anyway. ]

No way! I think the guy who runs it hates me because I got him cursed so he'd never let me on it, but look at that! You've been so nice to me and given me a link and everything. So kind! I'll remember this day.

[Why did you do this to everyone, Aven? Why? ]

I think she did this to me for swapping her sub last week. Sorry you ate saracha instead of rach, Janet. Just trying to give you some flavour in your life, wow.

[jaxoff]

Wow, rude.

[No, he hates this, don't enjoy his bullshit!!! ]

[jaxoff]

If you're not proud of it, then you're just doing it wrong. You can make it an art form if you try hard enough!

[faenthras]

You can make anything an art form if you try hard enough.

Speaking of, you wouldn't happen to know how Janet feels about bears would you?

[jaxoff]

This one takes a lot of persistence! Also, not caring what people think about you. That's a big one!

[Jax cares so very much about what people think about him. He cares to INSANE levels. ]

Depends on what kinda bear you mean. Bear (ursa) - only the cute teddy bears you pick up at Hallmark with cutesy slogans on them. You know, the kind of thing you only buy for yourself but pretend someone else bought it for you? Real bears? Probably not so much, but I've never been able to get a real bear at her yet.

Bear (man)? Who knows. The less I think about Janet's love life the better. Even I've got limits.

[faenthras]

Then it's your lucky day, or unlucky day depending on how you feel about it.

[ she sends over a beautiful picture of said bear. ]

I was thinking of dropping by later to visit Percy, you see. And Trinket was making such the saddest noises at me about it.

[jaxoff]

...Holy st that's an actual bear.

[ Lady, you are fuckin' MAGICAL!!! ]

I mean, you can't leave your pet bear alone if he's SAD. That's just cruel. Leaving a bear to be SAD. You're just being a kind bear owner, making sure he's not sad. Does he have a favourite treat? Because I can get him a favourite treat.

And if I leave them out on Janet's desk? Well Woopsie! That one's on me. I get so distracted. I've got a busy job, y'know?

[faenthras]

[ Trinket isn't a pet, but she'll let it slide this once because frankly... this is just amusing. ]

Trinket is a very smart bear and he just knows. How could I visit my dearest Percy without bringing him along? It'd be terrible, truly! He loves honey drops, can't get enough of them. If we're feeling a little bougie he also adores a good Marron Glacé, but they can get rather expensive.

Exactly, you're very busy. Sometimes these things happen.

text: un: TheDuke

[loupmorque]

If you work with the guy who makes the pointless icebreakers, aren't you worried he'll see this and you'll get one of those 'stern office place talks' for insubordination?

[jaxoff]

[Sorry, Vex, he sees an animal friend and assumes "pet". No, he doesn't count as an animal. Or a friend. ]

Exactly! You're just being caring! And if he just so happens to wander close to someone else's desk, well that CAN'T be on him. He's a BEAR! You can't be mad at a bear! Anyone who'd yell at a sweet, innocent bear would be a monster.

They'll be in her top drawer :)

[jaxoff]

Pffft, nah. That's Janet and she's been trying to get rid of me for YEARS. I'm too good at my job, they'll never get rid of me. She's just gonna have to stay mad!

text

[prunedworlds]

Welcome to the app, I guess?

Seems like a lot of you guys are ending up on here lately, huh.

private forever;

[neverchanged]

You're just dealing with Catboy E*** M***, it's not that big of a deal. He'll probably grow out of the script kiddie phase soon enough

Anyway, just think of it as a favor paid in advance. I know you'll entertain me and make it just a little worse for Janet. With that on the line, why wouldn't I give you an exclusive invitation?

If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them on Gemini. Same username

text | un: et_machina

[deusversusmachina]

Oh. It's you.

A word of advice. Some of the people on this app are gods. For your sake, try not to piss them off.

[Not that she wouldn't kick his ass herself if the occasion arose, but gods aren't usually known for, y'know, proportionate retribution.]

[trailblazingspirit]

Haha, I knew it! Oh, your name's Jarry? It's nice to meet you, I'm March 7th! And I don't think it's as bad as you think, everyone's generally pretty friendly, from my own experience.

[jaxoff]

Sure is. It's like Larry, but less cool.

...Like. The date?

[Something trickles into the back of his mind that this isn't the weirdest name he's heard, an echo of a memory, but for now he's just gonna. Ignore that. If he doesn't think about the past life memory nonsense, he won't remember it, right? ]

I have heard you guys are full of the kumbay-ya-yas. I'm looking forward to setting that on fire. Gotta keep you weirdos on your toes.