[sermon 5] basically, my epiphany is that I see you for you

[asipofbride]

WHO: Nicholas D. Wolfwood and you
WHERE: the network, Undertown, and wherever else your heart may desire
WHEN: 9/3
WHAT: sometimes you are Nicholas D. Wolfwood, God's favorite jester, and a weird gray little man takes your arms and legs off with a bucket of fuck knows what; also known as 'Wolfwood finds out he's a selkie in a fun an interesting way'.
WARNINGS: Wolfwood swearing? not much else that I'm thinking off of the top of my head.


[i. network post; text to video; UN: ndwolfwood ]

jkl90JKLjdsaoi$#mj@jf fjdsfsd'fd''''fsdfsj4$kf l;ksd ;ldsnjnkkk

[ --and then the video portion of the post kicks in; there's a vague blackness that's way, way too close to the camera to be anything but fuzzy darkness, the vague sounds of the daily noises of life--further off traffic, distant voices, and heavy, distressed breathing.

Wolfwood('s voice) is also swearing up a blue streak as something hits his phone, over and over--presumably him? ]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, c'mon, will you just call Vash or Dante or fucking, somebody? Fuck, fuck, fuck--oi! Oi, oi, you get out of that pot and I'm ripping your fucking leg off, you hear me?!

[ the darkness leaves the phone and it's just staring up at the ceiling and there's a lot of distressed yelling--'no, no' interlaced with 'help' and Wolfwood continuing to use up this month's ration of the word fuck, the sound of a heavy piece of ceramic wobbling on the floor after a series of dull, angry thuds scored with a chorus of frightened yelling and more cursing, and then there's a heavy, laborious thumping as the fuzzy blackness drags itself back to the camera of the phone ]

Fuck, it called somebody? Fine, whatever-- Hey, uh. Whoever got this, this is Wolfwood, I'm in Undertown, and some asshole little gray man threw some sort of--juice on me that took my arms and legs. I could use a hand. Two hands. And if you could hold the little bastard while I bite his face off, that'd be great.

[ the voice in the background wails; 'but it's was only water, yes yes! no magic potion or GO AWAY YOU BEAST AIIIIE HELP ME!!'. the darkness moves away from the camera and the ceramic thumping and swearing recommences until the record function runs out of space and the post goes up. ]


[ii. out and about; wolfwood in distress ]

[ and for anybody who does go to find one Nicholas D. Wolfwood, his arms and legs seemingly stolen by a little gray man, they will instead find a rather middling-sized grayblack seal bouncing (somewhat literally) between harassing a poor Namazu shopkeep where he cowers in a large earthenware pot and attempting to scale a decently sized crate. if you're lucky, he might even be draped over the seat of the crate like the world's angriest sushi topper. an upturned bucket is left, listless, beside the trapped Namazu shopkeep.

sometimes you're god's funniest little clown and you are so, so full of rage about it. and yes, the seal has cat ears. angry, angry cat ears, folded back like he's directing airplanes to crash into the side of the building he's stuck by.

arboreal seals real. ]

Comments

voice; for ww's sake

[ornamentals]

Is this going to be a permanent thing, or...?

voice; somehow he figured it out with his nose

[asipofbride]

I fuckin' hope not. I need my limbs for. Stuff. Everything.

voice; A for effort

[ornamentals]

If they never come back, what will happen to your bike?

Or your gun?

[asipofbride]

Guess the bike stays parked an' the gun stays in the closet. Why?

Action

[whiteshroud]

[Jun received the message while he was doing some studying at the PICHU facility. It was a confusing but also really concerning message, so of course he was going to go out to investigate. He'll even don his shroud uniform because you know what, easier than explaining why a small twink has the strength to carry around someone the size of Wolfwood.

What he isn't expecting when he heads to the spot in Undertown is to find...a seal. A very angry looking seal with cat ears. Cautiously he'll look between the distressed catfish creature and the seal]

...Wolfwood?

[asipofbride]

Who's askin'.

[ the seal slams its head into the pot again to set it to a good wobble because the catfish man in the pot deserves every ounce of distress that Wolfwood can confer to it. he--scoots? around slowly to peer at this weird, white-clad individual, cat ears folding back again as he fixes the Shroud with the surliest expression a pinniped has ever put on display. ]

If you got a score to settle, save it for when I have feet. [ if he ever gets feet again. a cat tail is lashing behind him. ]

[whiteshroud]

[That...sure is a seal giving him a super surly expression. It takes a fair amount of self control not to laugh]

Shroud. I exorcised your house once of a poltergeist?

[He considers for a moment kneeling down to Wolfwood's level, but he rather not get slapped in the face with flippers so he'll abstain]

I saw your message on the app and I was in the area, so I came to help.

voice: un: ♡☮STAMPEDE

[doubledollar]

[ after getting this text from a little shit -- he's going to immediately slam into here. ]

Undertown??? I'm on my way. You--you don't have arms or legs? What do you mean!? Did someone hurt you, do you need me to bring any of your vials??

[asipofbride]

[ kni you fuck ]

Yeah. I was shoppin' and some asshole threw a bucket of fuck know's what on me, and now I'm. Stuck. I got weird stumps were my limbs were and I can't stand up.

I dunno if a vial can fix this.

[ that's... a terrifying thought, frankly. ]

[doubledollar]

....Sounds like some sort of curse. Whatever it is, I'm still worried.

Weird stumps...

Okay, I'm on my way, hold on. Just...
Give me a general idea where you are. I'm gonna' keep you on the phone while I'm coming.

Are you okay? You're not like. Wounded?

[ dont mind the wind getting a bit loud, flying is rough on the microphone.]

Video

[prunedworlds]

Now, Ritsuka doesn't particularly know this guy, but she's sure not someone to ignore such a desperate-sounding cry for help. Not to mention alarming-sounding.

"Wh-what do you mean took your arms and legs??"

Audio

[asipofbride]

"Means my arms are weird little stubs with claws and I don't know what's going on with my legs. Or leg. I don't. Think I have two anymore."

He's definitely not panicking, not at all.

[prunedworlds]

"So you got turned into something...?"

That sounds a bit less alarming, at least. And now she's wracking her brain trying to think of whether she can guess what. Snake's obviously right out because they don't have even stubby limbs...

"Uh, that is, do you still need help? You said you were somewhere in Undertown, right?"

Voice, un: eve

[playtag]

Are you hurt?

[Oh no, not her new guardian! What kind of trouble did he get into?]

voice

[asipofbride]

[ shit, not the baby

act casual, sealboy ]

Hey, hey, I'm not. Hurt. I'm just a little freaked out. [ a lot freaked out. ] It'll be all right.

Better be all right for this jar asshole's sake, anyhow.

[ slap slap thud frightened fishy squeal with the warbling of a pot rattling round and round. ]

[playtag]

[Yes, the bb worries]

[It really is something hearing Wolfwood go from rage to calming (or attempted calm) at a drop of the hat. But Eve's used to it by now.]

[Eve breathes out, not fully relieved but better]

Oh, good. At least you're not harmed. [Not physically at least.]

Is someone with you? Do you need help?

[She hears that other voice, though it is not familiar at all.]

video | un: captainkenway

[jackdawvision]

Undertown? I'm here right now, actually, where are you? [The video shows Edward just right in front of Void Denny's, about to go in with his membership card. But hey, he can change course, he's not that hungry for a random meal.]

And aye, I can hold the fellow down. Is that really all you want? [Do you need this guy stabbed because he will do that for you. No cost.]

audio

[asipofbride]

[ mssr. Kenway might get the clearest video look of the cryptid that is Nicholas D. Wolfwood as he draws back to try and get a visual on where the man's supposed to be.

part of Wolfwood is wary of strangers, especially strangers when he's so disadvantaged, and part of Wolfwood is absolutely furious that he's in this state, so he's not thinking clearly in the slightest. he rattles off the name and location of the shop he's holed up by. ]

If I can just get my--teeth? on the asshole, I can make him regret dousing me with his bullshit whatever it was. I just can't figure out how to get him out of the pot at my current. Fuckin'. Elevation.

[ the wail in the background continues of 'water, it was water!' ]

[jackdawvision]

[Is that a talking seal.

Edward doesn’t reply for a couple of minutes, mostly because he’s trying to wrap his head around the sight of a Seal That Talks. Every bloody day in this place brings a new world-shattering revelation, apparently. You’d think he’d be used to it by now.]

Right. I’ll pull him out of his pot for you and then you can bite him to your heart’s content.

[The namazu is technically innocent in this, but Edward is not an Assassin and also that thing gives him fucking nightmares.]

I take it you don’t usually look like a seal?

Action;

[bebest]

[The Vogue is pretty close to Undertown's entrance, and this looks...pretty worrying. Zulius cares about his friends and honestly "losing your arms and legs" sounds like something a friend should probably check up on.

So he'll gonna trot off into Undertown and...wow. That. That sure is a seal. An angry seal with cat ears. He pauses for a moment, because a laugh, obnoxious HAH escapes him. He manages to compose himself, sucking in a breath.]

Sorry. Did- wow, Nick. Did- did you put on some weight?

Action;

[asipofbride]

[ oh, the laugh makes the ears go right down and back as the seal rotates himself to give Zulius' a look, and if a watery-eyed moist dog could ever convey the full depth of sadness, pain, and betrayal through its bigass googly eyes, Wolfwood sure is gunning for the top prize at the seal acting awards.

he stares Zulius down for one heartwrenching, angry moment

and then he scoots on his belly to present his butt to the zebrataur, sticking his head between two boxes as if that'll make the four-legged man go away. ]

[bebest]

[Oh wow! That was a look that went right to the heart, like a DAGGER! Zulius lets out a soft gasp, putting a hand to his chest dramatically, before stepping over. The effect is probably lost by the fact he's still...snorting in laughter a little bit.]

Sorry- sorry.

[IS he? He's gonna go...lean on a box.]

Sooooooooooooooooo. You're a seal now. That's a thing that's happened to you. I bet you hate this. [He turns his attention to the little weird guy Takame warned him about.] And you're saying this guy did it to you? Rude. Hey, you! Un-magic my friend right now, he's got places to be and he needs legs!

action; once wolfwood the tube is back at the cottage.

[advivo]

[ so he missed the initial freak out over the sudden and dramatic lack of arms and legs due to brother problems tm, so when dante finally does scroll the network it is much... later in the day. glancing over the post tells him most of what he needs to know but, well, he decides to head over there assuming by this point someone (hopefully vash) ferried the guy back to the cottage.

maybe it'll only be a temporary thing and he'll get his arms and legs back before they know it, otherwise... well guess dante and vash have a seal for a boyfriend (???) now? speaking of, upon arrival dante finds absolutely no sign of the guy, or the tube-shaped creature, spending his first few minutes greeting the animals and looking around. eventually, his search takes him inside, where he immediately zeroes in on the bed - what, if he was turned into a strange tube he'd probably hide under the bed too. ]

Hey Nick, you under there?

[ you okay buddy? you got your hands and feet back yet?? or are you still a tube?? ]

action;

[asipofbride]

[ and this is why Wolfwood is so frank when he says he's aware of his place on the food chain--that there are things in Dante's life that're bigger and more important than he is, and maybe in a moment of weakness, he'd flailed at the darkness hoping one of his people would show up, and... when he's less stressed, he'll make peace with the fact that it was late coming.

that Kni had to get Vash.

that Dante was busy.

for right now, Dante's getting a face full of cute little seal tail if he goes looking as Wolfwood curls up as best as a tube can, ready for the day to be over. ]

[advivo]

[ too bad for wolfwood that dante's vision is incredibly good, that peering under the bed doesn't result in a blurred mess of dark colors and uncertainty. dante sees the distinct seal shaped tucked nicely under it, tail pointing directly at him as the man (seal?) in question curls up in an attempt to block out the rest of the world. ]

Nick, [ is he upset? dante exhales softly, reaching underneath the bed to rest a hand on top of the other's... odd form. ] You're not asleep, are you?