voice: un: darkSlayer

[kowase]

WHO: Vergil Vittore and You
WHERE: Libra App, his home
WHEN: May 1st
WHAT: Bear. In his house. Thought you'd like to know.
WARNINGS: Rated B for Bear.

[ whats more impressive than Vittore making one willing, public post to a social media network? Vittore making a second one after what a headache the first one was. and every other time he'd used this blasted network
But right now? right now, he feels he has no choice and he is FIGHTING to keep a calm demeanor as he leans up behind a cabinet he has pushed in front of the bathroom door. calm. ]

Greetings, Libra users. Vergil-- Vittore here again. I hope that I am not being too much of a bother on what I assume is another lovely Spring morning in Kaisou. But I have a very small request I'd like to put out to you.

If any of you have seen my brother Dante within the last hour or so, please, can you try to get ahold of him for me. He went out a while ago, I assume, to go spend the money I gave him for his work this week. I--

[ and then there's the very loud sound of something BREAKING over the voice call, and Vergil's voice, which up until this point was very calm, suddenly cracks JUST a little as he tries to continue the call with just as much calmness he had at the start. ....but what with how an Italian accent is starting to show in some words, it seems he's not as calm as he sounds. ]

I can hear his phone in his room.
He forgot it.

And as I have come upstairs to my apartment, somehow, some way, there is.

There is a Bear. There is a bear in my apartment and it has started to wander.

Please, if any of you can help--

[ ... and now is a great place for there to be a loud QUACK from somewhere very close to where vergil is. he makes a withering, irritated sound in his throat. ]

I swear if you're the reason the damn thing finds us, I will roast you whole.

[ help. ]

Comments

voice; un: freelancer

[lapislazily]

[Hm. Their spear training didn't cover bears.]

... I'm afraid my skills in animal wrangling are not quite up to snuff.

However, I can probably convince it to leave your apartment, if necessary.

[kowase]

Not everyone can be talented in all things.

If I could get it out myself, I would. Dante could do it, with his--ogre strength, I'm sure, but the FOOL left his damn phone at home...

...

Wait, what the HELL do you mean 'convince it to leave'???

[lapislazily]

It's true.

[Zhongli is calmly sipping tea on the other end of the line.]

Exactly what I said. Is that not an acceptable outcome? The bear will be out of your house and under wildlife control's jurisdiction instead.

[kowase]

That is the optimal outcome, especially given animal control laughed at me when I called it in.
Something about it not being possible for bears to come into the city unchecked, and to quit with the prank calls.

....

I will remind you I am in an antiques shop...

[ whatever youre planning sir please god don't break his shit or cause the bear to break his shit ]

[lapislazily]

How unfortunate...

[He does take a moment to think this over.]

I might be able to manage something, as long as that table is moved from near the front door. A straight shot will be best.

[This is sounding more and more worrying.]

[kowase]

[ oh god zhongli hes so fucking concerned

he doesn't look confident--its not your abilities, its his house, wait wait--]

The bear is on the third floor.
If I clear the table from the kitchen and it dives out the window, it will fall quite a distance.

...Can a bear survive that sort of fall. [ he doesnt want a bear splat in front of his shop ]

[lapislazily]

I can handle it, if necessary. The bear will not be harmed. I may be able to corral it down the stairs and out the front door.

[Just how this is going to happen is anyone's guess.]

If you have a more graceful solution, however, you may wish to try that first. Mine will be very... unconventional.

[If he had his full power it would be less of a big deal, but he got his old clothes back instead of more power this month. Shit happens.]

[kowase]

I believe you, if only because you are simply one of the most capable people I know.

However, I have a number of expensive things between the three floors and I would...

Like to attempt to allow Dante to try his hand at wresting it out of the house before I try anything....
...

...unconventional.

...

That is to say, I still do not know where he is and when, or if he will even be returning home.
He may well be at -- Nox Miller's house, for all I know.

[lapislazily]

[Oh, Vergil. Putting things above himself.]

And you are sure that the bear will not attack you through the door?

It sounds as if you'll be waiting a while.

[kowase]

....

You are going to make me paranoid.

[ no he IS making him paranoid good god what if zhongli is right

...alright, there's clear distress in his voice now. ]

I have barricaded the door but the bear is.
Quite large.

[lapislazily]

Remain calm, Mr. Vittore. [EASIER SAID THAN DONE] Wild animals are motivated by fear and food. If you remain out of sight and relatively quiet, you will not be of interest to the bear.

I can't say the same for your kitchen, but it is much better than the alternative.

[kowase]

I am perfectly calm. [ on the surface. on the surface! ]

I am... attempting to stay quiet, and I think I can hear the beast going through my pantry.

...I suppose it will be quite distracted by whatever it will find in there, versus the quiet flailings of a man locked behind a door and a cabinet.

[lapislazily]

[Poor guy.]

Good. You're doing well.

Is there a set amount of time you'd like to wait for your brother before someone else steps in? I don't know where to find him.

Alternatively, I could come over there and open all of the doors. It may wander out on its own at that point, assuming it can fit down the stairwell unaided...

[kowase]

[ ....its actually not a bad idea. maybe it's worth doing. sneaking out of the apartment, opening up all the doors all the way down to the antique shop and just... hoping the bear wanders out.

he's seriously considering it. ]

...I think I'd give him--a half hour. If he doesn't show up by 8pm, then I think I'll be in a position where I won't be able to wait around anymore.

I do not know the damage that thing is doing to my house.

[lapislazily]

[He seems satisfied with this compromise.]

It sounds as if you have a plan. If you still need my assistance after that, feel free to contact me. I'll help where I can.

[He can't argue that his solution will be any better than letting Vergil's twin go apeshit on a bear, so.]

Good luck.

[kowase]

Thank you, Zhongli.

I give you my solemn word that I will contact you immediately if I deem Dante is lost and will not in fact be coming to help figure this out.


[ a pause. ]

Your offer to help aided me in settling my nerves. So it is not that I do not appreciate it.

I apologise if It comes across that way.

[lapislazily]

It would be very unfortunate if my favorite antiques collector was lost to a bear.

[He says it so earnestly that it's hard to tell if he's telling a bit of a joke or not. Best to just assume he's being serious about it maybe...]

Ah, don't worry. I understand completely. There are things one's talents are suited for, and things they are not. Animal wrangling is somewhat outside my repertoire.

[kowase]

Favorite, hm. Careful, I may well allow such a compliment to go straight to my head.

[ ha. ]

It is far out of mine, as well. I am going to get rid of this duck as soon as humanly possible, as well.
My house is not... suited for pets.