kaisou | un: badnews

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un: badnews

WHO: Percy de Rolo and the network!
WHERE: Libra and Gemini
WHEN: late October
WHAT: hdu criticize my haunted house
WARNINGS: none!

Right, so, I have a favor to ask of you all. Viktor and I have been supplying a haunted house with plenty of scares for the month, and I asked my brother and a passer-by to test it out. They came away amused enough, so we figured that would be the end of it.

[A beat.]

Apparently our animatronics and special effects are, I quote, "too scary for our customers," which is a terribly ridiculous thing to say about a haunted house but. Anyone here willing to go through it so we know exactly how scary it actually is? I promise the realistic-looking draconic maw that welcomes you is little more than clockwork with cloth over it.

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I’ll test it out for you.

[baby no]

[baby you’ve never even been to a haunted house]

[baby no]

But I should warn you: I have a lot of experience with props and I don’t scare easily.

[one of these things is true]

Too scary?

[ Give him a moment to try to think of what was scary about it... and come up with nothing. ]

I didn't think anything in there was any worse than what's in major theme parks.

[Belle is going to laugh at him forever. Percy, on the other hand, has no reason not to believe him, so:]

Then you should be fine testing it out. Honestly, if you're so experienced with props I wouldn't mind your feedback afterward, there's a special effect near the end that keeps sticking.

That was what I told them! But no, apparently the average customer can barely get through the first half without needing to leave.

"Are you sure asking people on the app is a good idea? Most of us probably have a pretty skewed idea of what's 'scary' by now..."

Kaisou being, well, what it is for app users.

Absolutely ridiculous. Do they want a haunted house or a very-slightly-unsettling house? They barely even looked at the animatronic Fiddlesticks.

Do people think animatronics are scary? Is it the teeth? I thought kids loved that sort of thing.

[He hums thoughtfully.]

I mean, yeah, Zodiac wanting something less intense does make sense, but why not just do like amusement parks do and have intensity level ratings?

[A beat.]

That said, I'll totally test it out. Sounds like a fun way to celebrate getting through midterms.

"Too scary for customers", that's rich considering the horror movies people seem to be enjoying these days.

[Oh hey, Percy is inventing again! Varian's always down to support him in his endeavours.]

I'm happy to help, but I guess the first question we have to ask is what customer base are they expecting? Like, what level of horror do they want the haunted house to be?

I could go through it for you. [She has experience with jump scares and the like.]

Just let me know when and where.

[Hey Percy, you ready for a friend of your wife's to have the worst flavor of bias?]

Oh come on now, what's a few jump scares? They're not bad after the initial "boo"! Is that what they're saying is too scary about it?

Absolutely! Not to brag, but I did tech for three whole years.

[So ready.]

That's what I told them! They were quite adamant that having an animatronic revenant with its false organs hanging out follow the group for a section was beyond the pale.

Edited 2025-11-01 17:46 (UTC)

Oh, good! Here, I'll send you the address. Do come over any time you'd like, though I'd prefer it to be at night for the full effect.

They cited some horror movie from the eighties—Friday the 13th, I believe? Or Halloween? They get mixed up far too easily. The haunted house staff said they wished to invoke that same kind of terror, so obviously I obliged. And like I said, we'd already tested it out, I'd thought the matter was already settled.

And now they're asking us to make the haunted house less scary.

Exactly! I even had Ivan go through it and he came out of it fine! [Ivan and Jane Doe are terrible standards to set.] They don't even get to the bone devil before they bail, Vex. I worked hard on that!

When they asked me to help out, they wanted to invoke a terror on par with classic eighties horror. Frankly I think I delivered quite well on that front, it's not my fault they're chickening out.

Oh, please do. The more people who go through the whole thing, the better for me and Victor.

At least they looked at Fiddlesticks. No one even gets anywhere close to the bone devil.

I think it's a fantastic idea. Someone on the app would be better able to articulate whatever's lacking in the haunted house than your average group of teenagers going on a dare.

You know, I honestly don't have the faintest idea just what it is that's too scary. I thought it was rather restrained of me, even.

No one appreciates the craft, truly. It's an utter tragedy.

[A bit amused:] Then you're perfect for the role. I'll expect a thorough explanation of whatever it is we've overdone once you're through with it.

I can't call myself an expert on eighties horror, but that'll be helpful to keep in mind as I go through, then. It'll just show in whatever insights I have.

[He'll do some very quick research anyway, but emphasis on "quick."]

Just let me know where it is and I can be there tonight.

Whaaaaat? A revenant isn't even going to have real looking organs anymore. Depending on the time of death it would have coal for kidneys and intestines that look like my shoe laces after I've dug through the dirt to find it.

And if they're a fresh one do they know how long revenants really take to reanimate? Longer than you think if you want them to really be a threat! And when it does it wouldn't have real looking organs anyway!

They asked for a haunted house! If they wanted a jumpscare fest with no substance they should just get Five Nights at Freddy's.

[wei wuxian is so smh his head right now but also SIR]

Sure thing.

I'll send you a report of sorts when I'm done.

What ages are you going for? Teens? Adults? A range?

Wasn't that scary game about the animatronics in the pizza place popular or something?

[ Ivan's too young to be this out of touch, and yet here we are. ]

I guess we'll have to ask an actual teenager.

[Varian brightens, it's rare he recognises any popular movies, but he recognises those two! (15, 19). ]

Oh, that's easy! Friday the 13th is set in a "summer camp", which I believe is some sort of torture experiment parents send their children to with a vengeful mother, while Halloween is just a regular sociopath terrorising a neighbourhood. They both have killers wearing masks, though, so I guess that's where the confusion comes from!

[Anyway, he went on a tangent there! ]

Isn't the entire point of them to be scary?

[There's the sound of frantic scribbling in a notebook. Percy is taking notes on this for next time.]

How long do they take to reanimate if you wish them to be a threat? [Believe it or not, he's asking for purely academic reasons. If an actual undead revenant showed up Percy would shoot it in the head first, and then study the body.]

A jumpscare isn't the only way to terrify someone, just the cheapest and least impactful. I was going for variety. Apparently that's too much to stomach. Bloody stupid, if you ask me.

Something of a range, yes. The intended audience, from what I was told when we took on this assignment, were teenagers and college students. Mostly teenagers.

[Belle's so proud of him.]

...I've never been to summer camp, so I'll simply take your word for it. [He was too rich to send to summer camp with the unwashed masses, as a kid.] In any case, there was a concrete idea of the level of fear we were supposed to invoke.

So, you know, it's very annoying they're backtracking. Just because most people leave when they're halfway through!

Good. Here's the address. [Just dropping the location of the haunted house here. If Fugo's seen the Yelp reviews, he'll notice that everyone who's left a review has called it a touch too terrifyingly realistic.]

Exactly! I did manage to get a few other users through this post, and this lot's got stronger stomachs, so perhaps they'll finally behold Fiddlesticks in all his terrible glory.

Five Nights at Freddy's? I heard about that off my coworkers. Any scares it might have are entirely reliant on the element of surprise, and once that's taken out of the picture, it's really quite dull.

...do either of us know any teenagers.

It would be a waste of excellent craftsmanship for your bone devil to go unappreciated, as well. Hopefully they have a little more interest in the work as well as some semblance of a backbone.

[She should be! He learned! He took notes!]

Me either. I had to research them to find out what they were. They sounded terrible. I never would have been allowed off the farm in summer. There was way too much work to do.

[He scoffs lightly. ]

Honestly, it sounds like a them problem. You know, if you go into a haunted house attraction and then don't like it because it frightens you? Then maybe you shouldn't be going into haunted houses. Maybe you'd be happier with a-

...

I don't know what mild things people do on this holiday. Cart ride? Cart ride sounds right.

Edited 2025-11-04 20:11 (UTC)

"That's a pretty low bar to judge by, you know."

It depends on the method used to reanimate them. It could be years or centuries, it could be as soon as the wake starts. They may reanimate after enough magic or resentment has built within them, or someone can be pulling strings and forcing an immediate "resurrection" before rigor mortis takes place.

Both of these circumstances come with corpses having different strengths and weaknesses. There's a myriad of factors to consider in between those steps, though.

But don't think too hard on it!

[Says the man who has thinked hard on it.]

It is bloody stupid! Especially when it's all make-believe and no one is really going to get hurt! That's the best place for the biggest scares!

I think most of the TBO people I know are older, so... no.

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