I mean, me either. But just in case it uh... affected the string results. It could be a variable.
[Varian listens to what Ratio has to say to him. There's an old rush of serotonin as he's called one of Ratio's favourite students to teach. He understands the need to please certain people (teachers, father figures) is not healthy and not actually proof of his right to exist. He understands this and he's been working hard on himself to get better at that. But it still makes him feel good anyway.
...But then Ratio keeps talking and something settles uneasily in his chest. He's already had this conversation with Amal, about being careful that his need to help everyone doesn't mean he lets himself be used. Ratio's noticed it too, so he's starting to realise it's probably... very obvious. Ratio has it on the money, of course. Varian's always felt that his intellect should be used for good. That he's... wasting it, otherwise. But it's also... not just that. Because Ratio is right, he does have a history of regrets.
He frowns down at the string, flexing and unflexing his hand ]
I- I once did a lot of really bad things. They started out as good? Trying- trying to help people. But things went wrong and everything kinds snowballed and I started doing wrong things for the wrong reasons. I've... I've always wanted to help people, that's definitely a big part of it too. But it's also... I don't know. Kind of this endless cycle of atonement I'm still trying to figure out how to get myself out of.
[It's a work in progress. He's trying his best to get there, but it's slow going, and pacing himself is not something Varian is especially good at. ]
You're right. It... kind of does get lonely. And... I guess I put a lot more pressure on myself than I probably should? But it's kinda hard to get out of that mindset. [He offers Ratio s smile. ] So it really does mean a lot that you wanna help. I really do look up to you a lot. It's... nice, to felt seen by someone teaching me, y'know? Someone who really gets it.
[ Elliot steered him through the last years of adolescence well, and he wouldn't be where he is today without that man's help. Now, Ratio can take up the baton, and maybe Varian will be able to become a functional adult because of it. ]
no subject
[Varian listens to what Ratio has to say to him. There's an old rush of serotonin as he's called one of Ratio's favourite students to teach. He understands the need to please certain people (teachers, father figures) is not healthy and not actually proof of his right to exist. He understands this and he's been working hard on himself to get better at that. But it still makes him feel good anyway.
...But then Ratio keeps talking and something settles uneasily in his chest. He's already had this conversation with Amal, about being careful that his need to help everyone doesn't mean he lets himself be used. Ratio's noticed it too, so he's starting to realise it's probably... very obvious. Ratio has it on the money, of course. Varian's always felt that his intellect should be used for good. That he's... wasting it, otherwise. But it's also... not just that. Because Ratio is right, he does have a history of regrets.
He frowns down at the string, flexing and unflexing his hand ]
I- I once did a lot of really bad things. They started out as good? Trying- trying to help people. But things went wrong and everything kinds snowballed and I started doing wrong things for the wrong reasons. I've... I've always wanted to help people, that's definitely a big part of it too. But it's also... I don't know. Kind of this endless cycle of atonement I'm still trying to figure out how to get myself out of.
[It's a work in progress. He's trying his best to get there, but it's slow going, and pacing himself is not something Varian is especially good at. ]
You're right. It... kind of does get lonely. And... I guess I put a lot more pressure on myself than I probably should? But it's kinda hard to get out of that mindset. [He offers Ratio s smile. ] So it really does mean a lot that you wanna help. I really do look up to you a lot. It's... nice, to felt seen by someone teaching me, y'know? Someone who really gets it.
[ Elliot steered him through the last years of adolescence well, and he wouldn't be where he is today without that man's help. Now, Ratio can take up the baton, and maybe Varian will be able to become a functional adult because of it. ]